Page 47 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘I, I don’t know what to say.’ His words are so gentle, I can’t argue against them, not when amid the shock and the embarrassment of being broken up with in a restaurant with people clearly eavesdropping, there’s relief that he’s been brave enough to be honest, and that he’s helping us get out of something that might be comfortable and nice but isn’t what either of us dreamed of, what we wanted for our futures.

‘You don’t need to say anything, Lizzie. Honestly, it’s fine. Just know that I’ve had a wonderful time being with you these last few months, and I’ll always be grateful Karina set us up.’

There’s the tiniest break in his voice, and it’s enough to set me off. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell him, sniffing back tears that I don’t want to fall, because that will make it harder for him, and he’s just given me the kindest, most decent break up I’ve ever had. ‘I wish things could have been different. You’re perfect, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t—’ I don’t finish as a huge sob fills my throat, shoving my apology out of the way.

I wish I could stop, but I can’t. I’ve no control over it. Tears plummet down my face and shaky breaths wrack my body. I’ve never cried like this before with a man, never felt this awful no matter how long the relationship has been or how much I’ve liked the guy. In a lot of ways my reaction to this ending with Jordan doesn’t tally at all with the emotions I felt when we were together. I’m sitting here in public with a guy I know I’m not in love with, who has been nothing but kind to me when ending things, and it’s made me come undone.

‘Hey, it’s OK.’ He gets off his chair and comes to sit next to me, putting his arm around me. ‘I do too. It was always going to be a losing battle though, especially when your heart was never really free to give to someone else.’

‘What?’

His shoulders rise up as he exhales a long sigh of an incredulous laugh. ‘Come on, Lizzie. We both know there’s always been more than two of us in this relationship. For a while I told myself it didn’t matter, that I got to be the one with you, that it was me you fell asleep with, not him, and that was enough. But it was hard to keep believing that whenever I saw you together, or all the times you were miles away or just quieter than you normally are, and I knew you were thinking about him. And since the engagement party, it’s been clearer than ever that I can’t keep ignoring the fact that deep down, you want him, not me.’

‘Who?’ I ask, but it’s such a stupid question, it would have been better to stay silent or to simply apologise again.

‘You know who I mean.’ There’s a hardening in his voice that’s edged with hurt, and it hits me how unfair I’ve been on him this whole time. How unfair it would be again to make him say Elliot’s name.

‘You certainly don’t need me to tell you that. Look, I think I’m going to go now,’ he says, standing up. ‘Do me a favour, Lizzie. Whatever’s going on between you both, deal with it. It might be hard, and it might not lead to what you want, but pretending there’s nothing there isn’t helping anyone. People might get hurt. No—’ He shakes his head at that. ‘People already have been hurt. It’s time to sort out how you feel and do something about it.’

Chapter 19

The rest of the week, I hide.

I cancel my usual Tuesday drinks with the girls, don’t take Mum up on the offer of a Costa after work on Thursday night and, especially, I hide from Elliot in school. I make sure I don’t walk on the corridors without a stack of papers in my hand, so I look like I’m heading to the photocopier – an event that causes all teachers to leg it down the halls in order to avoid the snarling queues that back up if you don’t make it early enough. When there’s a staff meeting, I position myself in the middle of the English department rather than at the periphery where Elliot might be tempted to sit next to me.

I don’t tell anyone about the break-up. The obvious question that always follows a break-up announcement is why, and it’s exactly that question I don’t want to answer. Not to anyone, barely even to myself. It’s not because I’m not sure why, or I don’t agree with Jordan’s reasons. It’s because I do. Completely. I know the reason we’re not together is Elliot, and that the whole time we’ve been dating, I’ve been thinking about Elliot way more than I should have been. And worse than that, I know my thoughts about Jordan and our relationship have often been a reaction to something Elliot’s said or done, or a reaction to my jealousy about him and Teddy getting on so well.

If Teddy and Elliot hadn’t worked out, if Elliot had acted the way I thought he would and had broken up with Teddy after their first few dates, I can’t honestly say Jordan and I would have lasted so long, and that makes me feel terrible because who the hell wants to be with someone who decides the state of their relationship based on someone else’s? I’m ashamed of myself.

I’d been trying so hard not to admit my feelings for Elliot, but Jordan dumping me has been another big fat reminder that Elliot is definitely no longer just a friend in my eyes. He’s turned into the person I can’t stop thinking about, the person I dream about every night, the person who can make my skin colour and my heart beat so fast it makes me feel a little sick just being in the same room as him – and he’s dating one of my best friends.

So, yeah. It’s better that I hide. The only way I’m going to get over Elliot and this horrible situation that makes my stomach hurt when I think about it too much, which is all the time, is to avoid seeing Elliot or talking about Elliot as much as humanly possible.

Only, I can’t hide on Saturday. Much as I want to stay on the couch under my duvet eating Oreos and watching re-runs of Bridgerton, I’ve promised I’ll drive Karina and Teddy to Knutsford, a quaint town forty minutes away so we can visit Lace and Lavender, a wedding dress shop Karina is desperate to go to. She’s so excited about trying on dresses and having Teddy and I sitting outside the changing room, drinking prosecco as we wait to give our honest verdicts, I’d be the cruellest friend on the planet to cancel.

I pick Karina up first and let her do most of the talking about the kind of dresses she wants to try on, and how Matthew has asked her to send pictures, which she’s flat out refused to do. We wait outside Teddy’s for ten minutes while she finishes getting ready. She’s in such a fluster when she gets in the car, telling us how she’d been summoned into work for three hours this morning to run the office because Ed and another two of the estate agents had all been on a bender and were too hungover to open up, that we get half way to Knutsford before the conversation turns to me.

‘You’re quiet,’ Karina notices. ‘Everything OK?’

‘Yeah, all good,’ I lie.

I keep my eyes on the road but can feel Karina scrutinising me from the passenger seat. ‘You sure? You don’t seem anywhere near as carried away by the fact we’re going wedding dress shopping as I thought you’d be. I was bracing myself for long speeches about how this was a seminal moment in our friendship, in our lives. To be honest, I kind of expected tears by now.’

I’m able to turn to her then. ‘Trust me, it’s coming. And it is a seminal moment in our lives. I can’t wait to see you in those dresses. You’re going to be the most beautiful bride this shop has ever seen. It’s just that, well, Jordan and I broke up this week. I didn’t what it to be the focus of the day, when it’s very much about celebrating you, Kar!’

It’s a good job I’m the one driving, as judging by the gasps from Teddy and Karina, and the way their necks turn towards me, if either one of them was behind the wheel, they’d be swerving into incoming traffic about now.

‘Oh my God. What happened?’ Teddy asks, her voice three notches higher than normal and full of sympathy. I’m aware that now it’s out, Teddy is obviously going to tell Elliot, so I try to downplay the truth as much as I can, especially any mention of the real reason behind us breaking up.

‘Things between us ran their course, that’s all.’ I hope that’s enough.

‘Bullshit,’ Karina practically shouts. ‘You were great together. Was it you who ended it or him? If it’s him, I can speak to him, tell him he’s certifiably lost his mind.’

‘No, no. Don’t do that. I’m fine. We ran out of steam, that’s all. It was great while it lasted, but it was never going to be long term between us.’

‘Really?’ Teddy asks. ‘I was sure that was exactly what it was going to be between you.’

‘Nope.’