Page 40 of Tainted Love

“She’s fine,” the nurse reassures me. “She didn’t fall as much as she slid to the floor. She said she tried to get out of bed too fast and got dizzy.” I let out a sigh of relief but still feel uneasy.

“She didn’t sustain any injuries, and she’s refusing to go to the emergency room, but honestly, I think she’s fine.”

“So what happens now?”

“We will keep an extra eye on her and run some lab work just to be safe,” the nurse explains calmly.

I take a deep breath and try to push away my worries. “And she’s okay?”

“Yes, I believe so,” the nurse replies with confidence. “She’s eating a piece of peach pie with another resident right now.”

I allow myself to exhale the tension I had been holding onto. “Can you please tell her I’ll come by to visit tomorrow?”

“Of course,” she replies dutifully. “And while I have you on the line, may I have your father’s updated information? We tried calling him but the number has been disconnected.”

I’m sure he didn’t pay the most recent bill. My frustration bubbles to the surface. “He doesn’t need to be contacted,” I state firmly. “My grandmother made me her power of attorney when I turned eighteen.” There’s a brief silence on the other end before she apologizes for not being aware and makes a note in my grandmother’s chart.

“In fact, if he or my brother, Brian, try to visit, please notify me immediately,” I add.

“I’ll make sure to add that to your notes as well,” she confirms before saying goodbye and hanging up.

As I put down the phone, I’m hit with a mix of emotions—irritation toward my family, concern for my grandmother’s well-being, and gratefulness for being trusted with such an important role in her life.

I notice Sascha’s mother standing nearby, having overheard our conversation. She wears a kind expression as she speaks up, concern evident in her voice.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. Just got a little dizzy and ended up on the floor. But no injuries.”

“Oh, thank goodness for that,” she responds with relief. “I’ve experienced something similar before. Getting older comes with its own set of challenges.” A wistful smile crosses her face before she addresses me again. “Do you need anything before I head to bed?”

“No, I’m good,” I assure her. “Just some studying in my room, and then I’ll turn in.”

“Alright, sweetheart. Let me know if you need anything at all,” she says warmly before heading upstairs.

For the next two hours, I stare intently at my physics book, my eyes tracing the equations and diagrams, but none of it makes sense. It’s not that the subject is inherently difficult or beyond my understanding. No, the problem lies within me—I can’t seem to focus.

A gnawing fear and loneliness creep up on me, causing my hands to shake and my heart to race. I despise these feelings; I hate not being in control.

In a desperate attempt to calm down, I reach for my headphones and Walkman. Music floods my ears and body, but its usual calming effect is absent tonight.

And that’s when it hits me, a thought so reckless and dangerous that it might end me. The idea to end all ideas, or perhaps, end my life altogether.

I cautiously open my bedroom door and listen for signs of life, but all is quiet. Everyone has gone to bed already. I inch toward Sascha’s room, my steps light and careful. I twist the doorknob and slip inside the dark space with trembling hands.

A soft sliver of moonlight filters through the curtains, casting a dim glow over the room. My eyes strain to make out the objects in front of me, trying to navigate my way without making a sound or eating shit and waking everyone up.

I tip-toe closer to her sleeping form, holding my breath, my feet sinking into the plush carpet. At this moment, I can’t help but wonder if this is how it all ends for me—silently sneaking into her room under the cover of darkness. She may actually kill me or, at the very least, kick me in the dick, which I’d also prefer to avoid, if possible.

I stand beside her bed, gazing down at her peaceful face as she slumbers. The moonlight dances across her features, highlighting the gentle slope of her nose and the curve of her lips. For a brief moment, I forget about the impending danger that awaits me inside these walls. Instead, I am consumed by the beauty and serenity of this scene.

My body moves on its own accord as I am compelled to lie on the bed beside her. I resist the urge to slide under the covers or touch her, afraid of crossing boundaries. Yet just being near her and listening to her steady breathing brings a sense of calm over me that I haven’t felt in a while. The warmth emanating from her body envelops me like a comforting embrace, and I feel truly at peace in this moment.

A few minutes after I settle in, her voice echoes through the darkness. "Is everything okay?

“I had a scare with my grandma, but everything’s fine,” I reply.

She doesn’t say anything else, and neither do I. It’s a tacit understanding that I’m in need of something that she’s willing to offer, but I better not dare push my boundaries, so I spend the night lying next to Sascha in her space. I relax, warming in her energy and scent, and I fall asleep and sleep better than I have in over a week.