Page 37 of Beautiful Small Things

I will admit that the messaging may have gone too far. The things we said to each other were obviously very hot. But he’s a fucking sex worker. What does he expect?

OK. Maybe I should’ve cut off communication before things went that far. But Marcus was paying attention to me for the first time in my life. It didn’t matter that he didn’t technically know who I was.

It felt good.

He’s always had this power over me because I was the one who wanted something from him. But when we had our online “relationship,” the balance of power neutralized. He wanted me as well.

Did I get caught up? Maybe. That doesn’t mean he can come here and scream at me, touch me like that, and then leave me hanging!

Except, I probably would’ve done the same thing in his position. Or would I? Crap, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time regarding him. Now I’m vacillating between righteous indignation and mature culpability.

I need to think about this logically. Marcus is going to be in my life forever. He’s basically Callan’s brother. We can’t be at odds over this. I need to make things right. I owe it to my sister. If this came out, it would be very uncomfortable for everyone. My father might actually have a heart attack. Oh shit! Now I’m thinking about my father.

While my mother and sister are busy talking details in the kitchen, I briefly excuse myself to text Marcus.

James: Marcus, it’s James. I’ve had time to think about it, and I’m sorry. I was wrong to deceive you. Can we talk about this?

Marcus: It puts me in a really awkward position with your sister and my best friend. Especially now.

James: I know. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Can we please just forget about this and move on?

Marcus: We have to. There’s no other choice.

James: About what happened when you came over?

Marcus: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.

James: I wanted you to.

I gulp down my nerves. I’m being honest with him for the first time ever. It’s the one thing I never actually tried.

Marcus: I wanted it, too. But we can’t go there again.

A fire ignites in my belly at the thought that he wanted me.

James: I understand.

Marcus: We shouldn’t even talk about it.

James: Mum’s the word. But one question first.

James: How did you figure it out?

Marcus: That sexy as fuck belly button piercing. I’ll never be able to forget it.

The fire in my belly spreads south, igniting my lust for this man again.

James: Glad you like it. I’ll make sure to wear it every time I see you.

Marcus: You’re a little tease.

James: Now you know what it has felt like to be me all these years.

One week later, I see him for the first time since the incident we’ve agreed never to speak of. I show up to the brunch my sister planned so that we can all talk about wedding details like one big, happy family.

Everyone is already there when I arrive. Both sets of parents and Marcus are already seated around the table, drinking mimosas and bloody marys. The only open seat is next to Marcus. Fucking perfect.

I saunter in, trying to seem unaffected by this current state of affairs. Deep down, I’m a mess. My stomach is in knots, my hands are shaking, and my throat is dry, but I greet everyone and slide into my seat, seemingly unaffected.