Page 31 of Beautiful Small Things

“That’s true,” I agree. “What did your friends think of it?”

“No one knew but Callan. He thought I was fucking crazy. But everyone loved that about me,” he smiles. “Any more questions for now?”

“Hell no. Let’s go home and not speak for three to five business days.”

My dad laughs. “Fair enough,” he says, with a chuckle.

Chapter thirteen

The Girl Online

Marcus

I climb into bed later that evening and it’s cold and lonely. It’s quiet in my room. Too quiet. I’ve had too much time to think lately. That usually doesn’t end well for me.

Iris has moved on from asking about my childhood, at least. The downside is that now we’re in my college years. That’s chock-full of information a daughter doesn’t need to know about her father.

I take out my phone and text James.

Marcus: I told Iris about the website.

James: Oh, Jesus. Not the website. (Monkey covering his eyes emoji).

Marcus: If I remember correctly, you liked the website.

James: I don’t think she needs those details. YOU DIDN’T GIVE HER DETAILS, DID YOU?

Marcus: (Laughing emoji) No, I only told her enough to make her LESS interested in learning more.

James: Well that’s good. I’ve told her a few stories already that make me feel like an adolescent stalker. There’s no need to confirm it.

Marcus: That’s true. I probably should have filed a restraining order against you at some point.

James: Shut up! It went both ways and you know it.

James: Let’s just keep this one between us, OK?

Marcus: Deal.

Marcus: Hey, BJ?

James: Ugh. Yes, Marcus.

Marcus: Want to have phone sex?

James: I only do that with my husband. You know that.

Marcus: Lucky Bastard. (Emoji with tongue sticking out.)

I set my phone down on my stomach and laugh about how ridiculous that time in my life was. I was Hell-bent on having fun. Damn, the consequences. Not that I’m ashamed of who I was or who I am, but time has a way of illuminating our decisions and casting a spotlight on questionable decisions.

I’ve learned it’s human nature. We tend to spend more time grappling with regret than dancing in celebration. Until we are faced with life and death. Then it changes.

Any patient I’ve ever had who has faced a terminal diagnosis makes peace with past poor decisions really quickly. They choose instead to focus on the beautiful and small things, no matter how inconsequential those details felt at the time.

I shouldn’t mind telling Iris about my past because I’ve enjoyed the life I’ve lived. All of it. Of course, there are some things she never needs to be privy to, and tonight I gave her just enough information to satisfy her curiosity but not enough to know everything that happened around that time.

The truth is more complicated. Why did I start a website where I jacked off for money? Mostly because it was fun. I wish it was deeper than that, but it just wasn’t. It gave me a thrill, and I knew deep down it would really piss off my parents if they found out. I did it for years. I made money I didn’t need and got more than my ego stroked.