Page 2 of Aperture

Millie: I’m so sorry, Gwennie. I came home and hid under my blankets. I think I was still in shock. It was so bad. I can’t even tell you what this freak said to me.

Gwen: Well, now you can’t NOT tell me.

Millie: It’s so embarrassing.

Gwen: More embarrassing than when you drank too many tequila shots and fell off the party bus in Vegas?

Millie: You suck.

Gwen: Remind me again. Did that entire sidewalk of people see Barbara Bush, or am I remembering it wrong?

Millie: I hate you.

Gwen: No, you don’t. You love me. Now tell me what happened so I can start making fun of you.

I start typing against my better judgment.

Millie: Things were going fine. We were eating chicken fettuccine and drinking wine, and he looked lovingly over at me across the table and said…

Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m about to tell another living soul this story.

Gwen: WHAT DID HE SAY?

Millie: He said, and I quote, “I want to buy you $20 worth of Taco Bell and then suck the farts out of your asshole!”

I toss the phone on my bed and cover my face with my hands in horror, waiting a full minute before opening one eye and staring at the phone on my bed like it’s a bomb, about to detonate with the inevitable chirp that will alert me to a Gwen’s laughing GIF. When another minute passes, I tentatively pick it up and begin typing.

Millie: Are you there?

Millie: This was the final straw, huh? Friendship over?

Finally, she responds.

Gwen: So, what did you order at Taco Bell?

I cackle as soon as I read it. Only Gwen.

Millie: I’m dying. You’re a freak!

Millie: I actually excused myself to go to the bathroom and slipped out the door, which really pisses me off because dinner was good and I wasn’t done eating.

Gwen: BAHAHAHAHA! That’s some ninja shit right there.

Millie: At least I can block him. He seemed so sweet and normal at first. I must be the worst judge of character in existence.

Gwen: Why? Because you didn’t see Taco Bell Fart guy coming? No one sees that guy coming, sweetie.

Millie: Alright. I need to go take my 4th shower in the last 12 hours and delete all dating apps off my phone.

Gwen: OK, girl. Wash it off. Be positive. It can’t get much worse, right?

Millie: Sadly, you’re right. Talk soon. Love you.

Gwen: Love you 2.

I shake my head as I walk to the bathroom to get ready for my day. I have clients at 11 and I need to get moving.

I’m still shaking my head in disbelief at the night I had. People meet online every day, right? How can my luck be this bad?