Page 209 of Risking the Pucking Defense

“I can’t.”

“But you told me you have a license.”

“Yeah, I do. I just…I can’t drive.”

He steps in front of me and takes my face in his hands.

“Hails, have you driven since your brother died?”

“Uh…I’ve tried. But…but I can’t. The second I get in the driver’s seat, I freak out. I’m taken right back to that day. I can hear our screams, the crunch of metal as it crumpled around us, and the rattling of Spencer’s breath as he lost his fight.”

My hands tremble violently at my sides. I clench them to try to abate it, but nothing happens.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I bought the car because it was his favorite. I thought that maybe…” I let the words trail off. They don’t need saying. He understands. “But I can’t.”

He wipes the tears that have spilled free with his thumbs.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must be, but I’d really like to help you work through it, if and when you’re ready.”

I sniffle and nod. “I’d like that.”

I hate that I can be so strong and independent in so many aspects of my life, but just the thought of getting behind the wheel of a car brings me to my knees.

I’ve got this incredibly beautiful car that’s sitting here going to waste because I’m not brave enough to face my fear and work through my issues.

Maybe it would be different if I needed it, but I can either call a ride share or walk everywhere I need to go. I don’t have an excuse to even try, really. But maybe with Hayden sitting in the passenger seat, encouraging me…maybe, just maybe, I could start moving forward. Literally.

“Come on, let’s get you upstairs.” He presses a kiss to the tip of my nose before he pulls me into his side and guides me toward the elevator. When we come to a stop, I look back at my car and make myself a promise. One day soon, I will climb behind the wheel, and we’re going to go somewhere awesome.

We’re silent as we make our way up to my apartment, and the second we’re in, Hayden abandons our bags on the kitchen island and leads me to the bathroom. He works quickly to rid me of my bikini and shed his own clothes before he starts the shower and lets it warm before tugging me under.

The second the water rains down on us, I’m assaulted with memories from our first time standing here.

In reality, not much time has passed. But everything feels different. I feel different.

I feel stronger, settled, and so much happier.

Who knew that allowing myself to make friends and allow people into my life would make it so much more fulfilling?

“What are you smiling about?” Hayden asks.

“You. Today. Our friends. Everything, really.”

“Yeah?” he asks, his own smile growing.

“You’ve changed my life, Hayden Monroe, and I can’t imagine it any other way now.”

“That’s good, because I don’t plan on changing it now that I’m here.”

“Woohoo. Look at you,” Casey sings as she opens her front door to find me proudly wearing my Monroe jersey, with two bottles of wine clutched to my chest.

She told me not to bring anything, but turning up empty-handed didn’t feel right, so I picked these up before I left my apartment.

It’s the guys’ second game of the season tonight. I traveled with them for their first road game and watched proudly as they set the tone for the season and won four to zero.

Tonight, they’re on the road again, but I wasn’t scheduled to attend, and while I might have hated seeing Hayden off earlier this morning, I know that staying behind is the right thing to do.