Page 100 of Not Safe For Work

Chapter 24

He was quiet on the way home, and I’d expected as much. A sub from my past had once explained that even when there was no way anyone could’ve made it through the scene, there’s a sense of failure that comes from crying uncle. As if they’ve raised the white flag and let their Dom down.

I didn’t know if it was better or worse that I’d called time before he could. If he’d have felt better pushing himself until he absolutely couldn’t take anymore, or if it was a relief that I’d stopped the scene before we’d reached that point. Maybe he could have recovered and collected himself. Maybe the panic had just been a fleeting thing, one that would pass. Maybe I’d overreacted.

Still, I didn’t regret the choice I’d made. I loved pushing subs to their limit, but not if it meant sending them into a full-on panic attack. I’d made that mistake with a sub before.

“No, I can handle it.”

“You can use your safe word.”

“I’m…I’m fine. Please. Keep…”

I shuddered at the memory. As her Dom, it had been my responsibility to take control and determine that, no, she wasn’t fine, and, no, we weren’t going to continue. One freak-out and several hours of aftercare later, we’d both calmed down, and she’d never held it against me. But that was the night I’d decided, once and for all, that I’d take a disappointed sub over a traumatized one any day.

As I pulled onto the freeway off-ramp, I touched Rick’s leg. “You all right?”

“Yeah.” He put his hand over mine. “Wasn’t quite how I pictured tonight, though.”

“It’s okay. It happens.”

“I know, but…” He sighed, gazing out the window. “We’d barely done a thing. I mean, I was okay being tied, and then…I suddenly wasn’t. What the fuck?”

“It’s fight or flight. Something must’ve triggered that, and when that happens, but you can’t fight or fly, things can go downhill pretty fast.”

Rick was quiet for a moment. Eventually, he nodded. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I don’t even know what triggered it.”

“Seemed like the noise from the other areas startled you.”

“That…” He shook his head. “I guess. It’s kind of foggy now.”

“That happens too.” I squeezed his thigh gently. “We’ll take it easy for the rest of the night. Doesn’t mean we can’t play, but I do want to back off a little.”

“What does that mean? I mean, back off…how much?”

Yeah, Jon. How much?

My heart thumped in my chest. “Let’s start with getting back to the house.” I patted his leg. “We can regroup a bit, see how we’re both feeling, and go from there.”

“Okay.”

Neither of us spoke for the rest of the drive. The whole way, I analyzed and reanalyzed everything that had happened tonight, weighing the risk of another freak-out against the possibility of my sub feeling let down. Or worse, my sub feeling like he’d failed me. That I’d withheld the dominance he needed out of disappointment. Rationally, Rick would understand what I did and why. But things like that could still burrow under the skin and stay there.

He seemed to be in a good state now. Annoyed with himself. Frustrated that the scene hadn’t gone as planned. And I knew what it was like to need an outlet. If submission was how he blew off steam—and God knew the CEO of a rapidly growing property development company was under a tremendous amount of pressure—then I wanted to give it to him. Question, was how did I balance that with not overdoing it and adding to what had happened earlier?

I pulled into the garage, and we walked inside. When I flicked on the hall light, I turned toward him, fully intending to suggest we pour ourselves some coffee and talk things through.

But I stopped. I stopped, and I stared at him. Because now that I could see him, the hunger in his eyes was palpable.

I chewed the inside of my cheek. “You need this tonight, don’t you?”

“Very much.” He moistened his lips. “Honestly, I think it was just the club that got to me. The people, all the sounds…” He gestured sharply. “I guess it was just too much. But yes, I need this. I need to shut everything out and…”

“Fly?”

“Yeah,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “Fly.”

I studied him. “Promise me something.”