Page 111 of How to Lose a Lord in Ten Days

Perhaps it ought to be reassuring that he no longer hated her, but somehow, Ashford’s tepid words hurt far more than any of the insults he had ever thrown at her.

Lydia opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. ‘Friendship is not quite what I am after.’

She was proud of the steadiness of her voice. It was a far cry from how she felt.

‘It is a fair foundation to build a marriage,’ he said, cheeks flushing. ‘It is more than most people have.’

‘That is true,’ she allowed, for it was, and she knew, too, what was said – that deeper affection would grow, in time.

But friendship was no substitute for what Lydia had always wanted from life – what she now realized she wanted, from him.

And yet … She hesitated, trying to parse through her confused thoughts, her conflicting instincts. After all her effort to be rid of him, after all the horrid things she had done and said, in the pursuit of freedom, it should feel easy to decline his offer – yet now it came to it, she found she did not wish to lose him, after all.

‘But I am not most people,’ she said, at last. Lydia raised her gaze, again, to look him directly in the eye. ‘It is not enough for me.’

However much had changed, these past days, this had not. However much it hurt to deny him, she could not betray herself in such a way.

‘Is this about Prett again?’ he asked. ‘Surely you do not …?’

‘No, I do not,’ she admitted. ‘He is not who I thought he was, but that does not mean that I cannot fall in love elsewhere.’

Her cheeks reddened to speak so openly, but she raised her chin and held his gaze nonetheless.

‘How even you have swallowed such stuff!’ Ashford muttered, running a hand, agitated, through his hair.

‘Swallowed?’ she repeated. ‘You think I have been … duped in some way?’

‘It is not your fault,’ he said. ‘Ladies have such unrealistic ideals shoved at them from the moment they are born, books and tales and talk of romance – it pains me that you are so enthralled by it, for it prevents you from rational decisions.’

‘You think us so gullible?’ she asked. ‘Such fools?’

‘I think you are allowing sentiment to distract you from considering marriage a business deal,’ he said. ‘One you should consider and negotiate for the changes to your life that it will bring.’

‘How charitable you are,’ she said. ‘To have our best interests at heart – do give yourself a pat upon the back, my lord.’

Rising temper sent sharpness back to her tongue.

‘I am on your side,’ Ashford insisted.

‘Perhaps,’ she said. ‘And yet here you are, a man, still telling me, a woman, how I ought feel, and behave. You’ll forgive me if I struggle to tell the difference.’

‘That is not what I—’ He broke off, frustrated. ‘We are two adults, who can speak honestly with one another, who might enter into such a union with open eyes. If we might agree upon a deal that works for us both – why, that would be a rare and beautiful thing, Miss Hanworth.’ He stopped, and stared at her, expression entreating. ‘Surely you understand that?’

‘Here is what I understand,’ Lydia said. ‘You are asking me to marry you. To take your name. To legally cease to exist as a person myself. You are asking me to leave my family and absorb myself into yours, to leave my life and fold myself around your habits, your needs, your preferences. You are asking me to walk one step behind you, for the remainder of my days, to hand my freedom and my finances into your keeping.’

He opened his mouth, but she held up a hand to forestall him.

‘You are asking me to risk my life bearing your children. Children, who at first breath would not belong to me, but to you, to be raised and educated and moulded according to your vision and desire. You are asking for all this and more. And I – I only ask for one thing: for love. For dancing, courting, flirting … Yet you think I am the one with unrealistic expectations? Tell me, Ashford, were the situation reversed – would you take that deal?’

She held his gaze and the silence. He did not try to speak.

‘Once Pip and I both come of age, I will have income enough to live out my days unmarried,’ she said. ‘The only reason I should ever consider entering the matrimonial state would be for some grand love affair. When the risk to my life and happiness is so high, why ought I settle for anything less?

Ashford looked as if he were having difficulty swallowing.

‘I own, I – I had never thought of it in such a way,’ he said, at last.

‘That much is very clear,’ she said. ‘Those are my terms, my lord. How do you answer?’