Page 88 of Run Home

Amber suggests, “Why don’t we begin with you each telling me what you hope to gain from our time together today?”

Adrian is quick to answer. “I want to understand how to love Samantha better. How to support her when she’s sad or upset. I’m not naturally very good at knowing how to do that. I tend to avoid uncomfortable emotions if I can.”

I notice Amber’s eyes spark with interest, knowing she just took a mental note to circle back to. But first, she looks to me.

“I’d like my brain to not be broken anymore,” I state.

Amber pins me with an admonishing look as Adrian exclaims, “You are not broken!”

“What?!” I interject. “You asked what I wanted. I’m trying to be better about saying what I need.” Another mental note ticks in Amber’s eyes.

Pivoting, I give her a short summary of all that transpired yesterday, bringing her up to speed on the exact catalyst that brought us here.

When I’m finished explaining—with a few details thrown in by Adrian—Amber asks, “Could I start with a basic overview of the brain science of childhood trauma? Adrian, are you at all familiar with that terminology?”

Adrian nods. “Not a lot, but a little.” He looks to me. “Have you told her anything about Jason?” When I affirm, he looks back to Amber. “Griffin has explained a little bit to me about some of Jason’s explosive behaviors coming from trauma responses. I don’t know much, but I’m assuming that what Samantha experiences is similar.”

“Except I’m a grown woman who shouldn’t be acting the same as a child,” I grumble, frustrated with myself.

“Hey, now,” Adrian starts, turning to me.

Amber cuts him off and says, “Samantha. We’re not going to chase unhealthy thought trails for this session. We can meet again soon if you need help redirecting intrusive thoughts, but I want this time to be productive for your relationship and communication together. I know you know the brain science, but it sounds like you could use a refresher too.”

Crossing my arms, I lean back against the couch. Adrian places his hand palm up on my thigh, leaving the open invitation. As Amber begins her summary, I can’t resist placing my hand in his.

He gives it a gentle squeeze.

Amber shares a very simple overview of how childhood trauma changes the neuropathways in the brain, making emotional regulation more difficult and producing exaggerated responses to perceived threats, using my reaction yesterday as a practical example.

She talks about neuroplasticity, how the brain is capable of rewiring and forming new connections through coregulation, secure attachments, and a variety of therapeutic techniques. I fidget with the fringe on a throw pillow as she talks. My attention alerts when she says my name.

“Samantha has done extensive work herself and with the help of her family to reorganize her brain’s connections and to create as many new healthy neuropathways as possible. And she has made tremendous progress over the years. Do you want to share some of the techniques you’ve utilized, Samantha?” she asks me.

Darting a glance at Adrian’s face, I see him looking at me intently, but not intensely. His eyes hold openness and compassion, so I sigh and start listing things off. “Amber has been here with me through hundreds of hours of talk therapy, on and off over the years. There have been seasons I’ve been on different medications. I worked with an occupational therapist for a year to learn how to recognize where I was feeling certain emotions in my body. She taught me strategies to calm my reflexes when I could sense tension getting triggered.”

The longer I continue recounting everything I’ve done, the more and more embarrassed I feel at just how much help I’ve needed. I slowly shrink into the loveseat cushions and watch my fingers twirl the throw pillow fringe as I continue. “I did neurofeedback therapy with Amber for several months before she referred me to an EMDR specialist. I learned grounding, breathwork, and progressive relaxation techniques through yoga. Filled a million journals with years of feelings. And more talk therapy along with my parents.”

Sighing again, I ask Amber, “Did I forget anything?” She shakes her head.

When I finally dare to look back at Adrian, I prepare myself to see warning alarms going off in his eyes.

I’m not at all prepared for the awestruck expression on his face.

He leans over and wraps me in a hug. “You are the bravest person I’ve ever met, cielo.”

Confused, I lean back so I can see his face. “What are you talking about? Did you not hear the forever-long list of supports I’ve needed to make me functional?”

“You did those things, though,” Adrian tells me. “I hate that you had to. But you did it when none of that could have been easy. Talking about all that pain. Fighting to rewire your brain. You did all that work, trying to undo the effects of someone else’s choices. I’ve never admired a person more.”

Tears spring to my eyes, and I look over to Amber. She’s smiling.

Her gaze shifts to Adrian, and I see her mentally unpinning a thought. “Adrian, I’d like to ask you a question.”

He swivels to face her again.

Amber says, “You mentioned earlier that you’re not good around negative feelings. That you tend to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Could you tell me why that is?”

Adrian’s eyebrows furrow, and he pauses before saying, “Uh, I don’t really know. I just . . . do?”