Page 66 of Vandal Unbound

I cry for the pain I felt.

I cry for the damage to my sight.

I cry for the nights I haven’t slept.

I cry out of fear that I’ll never get over this. That I don’t know how I’ll face the next fight.

And Havoc and Knox don’t let go.

Not even when my sobs turn to hiccups then to sharp intakes of breath as I try to catch it.

“You ready to talk?” Knox says finally, and I nod.

He steps back, and I’m embarrassed that I’ve made a mess of Knox’s chest. “Gimme a sec.”

He steps inside, and when he comes out, he’s wearing a clean T-shirt and is carrying a glass of water and some tissues. “Sit,” he says.

I take the chair. Knox takes the other one. Havoc plonks himself down on the deck, his back against the railings.

“Been a long time coming,” Knox says. “Feel better for letting it out?”

I lean forward, rest my elbows on my knees, and rub my face. “Don’t even know where to start.”

“Then just sit,” Knox says, leaning back in the chair. “Solved lots of problems just sitting here in the night air. Tell us in pieces. Doesn’t have to make sense.”

I do as he suggests. I take a few breaths and study the way the moon frosts the ripples on the water. It’s quiet out here. Real fucking quiet.

First time my heart has felt quiet for a long while.

“Think I’m fallin’ for Daisy. But I can’t. Not like this.” I look to Havoc. “You were right. I do know better than to bring this shit to the two of them. I’m giving Daisy your number, for if she has any problems.”

“I’ll make sure she has anything she needs,” Havoc says. “Same for the little one.”

I nod in thanks, then turn to Knox. “It scared me, what happened. And I don’t want you to think less of me because of it. You’re the closest thing to a father I’ve got. Would hate to see disappointment in your eyes.”

Knox swallows deeply. “We’re not gonna get through this if you make me cry too. But I’ve got your back, Gideon. I always have.”

The use of my real name hits different. Makes it personal. Not biker to biker or brother to brother. But Knox to Gideon.

Knox lights a cigarette before offering me one, but everything feels so raw that I can’t stand the idea. He takes a deep draw,then blows smoke into the night air. “What you went through would be enough to scare the shit out of anyone. Even me.”

“Can’t sleep because of dreams. Can’t sleep because of fear. Can’t sleep because I feel useless to the club.”

Knox nods. “Understandable. Is that why you’re drinking so much and popping pills like candy?”

“You knew about the pills?” I ask.

Knox raises an eyebrow. “You think Reaper doesn’t know the count of every pill in the infirmary? He’s saved your life a thousand times over.”

My eyes go wide at that. “He did? How?”

“Once he realized what you were stealing, he hid the real deal and put out a mix of placebo and reduced-strength tablets instead. You’re still doing more than you should, but not enough to kill you.”

“What? Why?”

“Would you have listened to me if I told you to stop?” he asks.

I shake my head.