Page 106 of Vandal Unbound

“Define ‘better.’ Does it count if the thing that keeps waking you up is a five-year-old kicking you in the ribs because she’s decided she likes trying to crawl into bed with you and her mom because she feels safe there?”

Doc laughs softly. “That’s progress.”

I roll my eyes, holding back a grin. “Pretty sure progress doesn’t leave little bruises.”

“Who is she?”

“Elsie.”

“The little girl you’ve mentioned before. The one whose mom you met before you decided to prioritize your own care?”

I nod. The truth is, I’ve mentioned Elsie a lot before, just not by name. I think I was worried Doc was gonna tell methat twelve-step stuff about not getting into a relationship, so I’d tried to be non-committal. But she wasn’t like that at all. She gave me harm-reduction plans that are so far holding and disavowed a rigid plan that wouldn’t work in my world.

“So, how are things with her mom?”

Violate me, Vandal.

My cock stirs just at the thought of those words. Words that have unlocked a completely different way of having sex with Daisy. I can be rough or gentle, whatever Daisy needs. Because, honestly, it’s all so fucking good, I don’t care either way.

“Good,” I admit.

Doc raises an eyebrow. “Just good?”

The silence on the other end stretches, and I know Doc won’t speak again until I’m honest.

“What do you want me to say, Doc? That I love her with my whole fucking heart? That her and her kid are stitching me back together?”

“I’d rather have that as an answer than good. It’s honest. I can hear it in your voice. It’s the first time you’ve sounded hopeful…”

“But?” I ask.

“The but is for you. I feel like your unspoken sentence was ‘I love her with my whole fucking heart, and Daisy and Elsie are stitching me back together. But I’m scared of what will happen next if I let them. Or if they leave. Or if the stitching doesn’t work.’”

“I can see why they gave you your PhD.”

Doc chuckles. “And I can see why you have a ‘but’.”

The heron finally makes a move. One careful step after another. He’s not rushing or forcing it. And it takes a moment for his huge wings to beat so he can fly again.

I think I’m gonna get a heron tattoo.

“But the nightmare this morning... It scared me, scared Daisy, woke Elsie.” I already told her what the dream was about when she first answered this call. I needed to talk to her about it to get some perspective on whether what happened to me was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Whether I would forever remember Alvarez’s voice or the pain of the cattle prods. “I sat there shivering and gasping for breath while Daisy rubbed circles on my back and Elsie ran into the room with her bear. She climbed onto the goddamn bed and threw her little arms around me. I don’t want any of this to touch them, and yet my dream scared them both.”

Doc rubs her forefinger over her pursed lips as she thinks about what I just said. “I’m sure that was at first frightening, and then fraught with complicated emotions in response.”

“I thought about getting dressed and riding to the club to have a drink to escape how overwhelming it all was,” I admit.

“How utterly human of you,” Doc says. “Did you?”

“No. I waited ten minutes to see if I still wanted to. And by then, the three of us had gotten comfortable on the bed. And Daisy had reassured me everything was okay.”

Doc smiles at that. “That’s such amazing progress you should be patting yourself on the back, not hating on yourself.”

“But I scared them.”

“Maybe for a moment. But from what else you’ve told me about Daisy and Elsie, you’re also creating feelings of immense safety for them. You’re meeting each other where you are. And I’m sure in that moment of fear, feeling love from the two people you are coming to care for must have felt special. A tangible connection to the good in a world that has shown you its share of bad. You more than most know how uncertain and fragile life is, Vandal. Everything you were assured of—your sight, your strength, your role in your club—got damaged in the most horribly violating way. But even if your sight was gone, even ifyour strength was gone, even if you were no longer an enforcer at the club, would you regret how you’ve used those three things in the last ten years?”

“Not one bit,” I answer immediately. “I’ve loved every second of being an Outlaw.”