Page 42 of A New World for the Irish Daughter

At least she hoped so. Wasn’t that why they were traveling on yet again? That, and because they were once more running away from trouble. Well, Danny and her da were. Maybe she was running, too, in her way, not from trouble, but from loneliness. From feeling like, even now, there had to be more to this life.

“No, Ican’tbe different, Maggie!” The words burst out of Brendan, shocking her so she took a stumbling step back. He turned to face her, his cheeks flushed with what she feared was anger. “I can’t,” he continued, his voice rising, “becauseyoudecided to come with us!”

Her mouth dropped open as she stared at him in shock. His face was still flushed, his eyes sparking, but she realized he didn’t sound angry. He soundedhopeless.

“Brendan—”

“Do you know how long I’ve tried to escape you?” he asked her in a low, agonized voice. “How long I’ve tried to be what you want? Because you’ve said that you weren’t whatIwanted, Maggie, but I’ve come to realize that was just an excuse, and the truth is, I’m not whatyouwant. It’s never been about me trapping you into marriage, motherhood, all that. It’s thatI’mnot the person you want to be trapped with.”

Maggie stared at him in deep dismay, her stomach hollowing out, her head feeling light and faint. “Brendan…” She had no idea what to say to him.

“God knows I’ve tried,” he continued. “I’ve tried to be your would-be lover and husband, and then your friend and then even just your acquaintance. I’ve tried to keep my distance, and I’ve tried to show you how much I care. None of it works.” He let out a sad huff of laughter. “Even this last year, seeing you only every few months, and then with Jessamine…” He shook his head. “Nothing works, Maggie,nothing. But I thought maybe if I went to Alaska, if I traveled to a place where you’d never go, thenmaybe, justmaybe, I could finally be free of you. Of wanting you and never having you. Loving you and having you never love me back. Because I don’twantto love you anymore, Maggie. I don’twantto. Ican’t.”

Maggie pressed her hand to her hot cheek, her stomach swirling. “You don’t want me here,” she whispered. His surprising lack of welcome on the deck made so much more sense, and yet to have it stated as plainly as that… She felt sick with the knowledge she saw written plainly on his face. “You leftbecauseof me.” And she was following him all the way to Alaska, much to his obvious regret—and now her own horror.

“Not just because of you,” Brendan replied heavily. “But… yes. I wanted to get away. From you.” He stared at her levelly, his eyes seeming empty.

Maggie stared back, horrified.Whyhad she come?

“I… I don’t…” she began, not even sure what she was trying to say. That she wouldn’t seek him out in Alaska? That they could go their separate ways? That she was sorry that he’d been sotormentedby her for the last four years?

Was that her fault, or his?

Before either of them could say anything more, the ship horn sounded, low and mournful, andCity of Pueblobegan to move away from the shore.

CHAPTER 22

JUNEAU, ALASKA

April 1895

AsCity of Pueblomade its way through the Gastineau Channel, dense green mountains, carpeted with towering spruce, rose up from behind the mining town in a verdant wall of green. The magnificent peak of Mount Roberts loomed high above the town and trees, its rocky summit still covered in snow at the end of April, massive and majestic, yet also hemming the town in, seeming to crowd it against the blue-green bay.

Maggie stood at the deck ofQueen, the steamer that had taken them from Port Townsend to Fort Wrangell, then onto Victoria and now here. They had been traveling for just over a week, and yet it felt like a lifetime. The journey northward had been breathtaking in its beauty, as the steamer had gone past the wild coasts of California and Oregon, the massive redwood trees, the like of which Maggie had never seen before, seeming to reach heaven itself.

When they’d reached the Inside Passage in northwestern Washington, the weather had become stormy, and for a day and a half Maggie had taken to her bunk, barely able to manage a sipof water until they’d passed around Cape Caution and through the Queen Charlotte Strait.

It had been just as well, because after that painful conversation with Brendan, where he’d revealed his deep unhappiness at having her accompany them to Alaska, she hadn’t wanted to risk seeing him for so much as a second, and he also seemed to have made himself scarce.

Her reunion with her father and brother had been happier, at least. As the ship had begun to steam out of the Bay of San Francisco, Maggie still by the railing with Brendan, Danny had stridden down the deck, followed by their father, both of them nattily dressed and not looking any worse for wear from their brush with the gangs of San Francisco.

“Maggie?” Danny had exclaimed in amazement as he’d caught sight of her. He’d sounded as incredulous as Brendan had been, but also delighted, which had been a balm to Maggie’s battered soul.

“Lass, youcame!” Her father had taken her by the waist and swung her around so her skirts flew out around her, and Maggie couldn’t help but tip her head back and laugh. In that moment, despite everything she’d sacrificed, everything Brendan had said so despairingly and accusingly, she was glad to be with them. Danny and Da were her family. She couldn’t let them leave her behind.

Her brother and father were eager to tell her about their exciting adventures. For now that they were safely aboardCity of Pueblo, that was how they viewed their escape from the gangs as well as the police of San Francisco. They insisted Maggie come back with them to their cabin, which, although modest, was far more comfortable than her bunk in steerage, and claiming seasickness, they asked the steward to bring them the noonday meal there rather than go to the dining room.

And so the three of them ate clam chowder, roast beef, potatoes, and plum pudding while perched on the cabin beds, chatting all the while. Danny and her father were ebullient with what they saw as their victory over the fearsome gangs of San Francisco, their nefarious shell game no more than a lighthearted lark, and somehow Maggie couldn’t find it in herself to be disapproving of or alarmed by any of it.

She was tired of feeling those tiresome emotions, of always worrying about what other people might think, what might happen, or what might not. She didn’t want to dread the stern looks or pursed lips of someone who thought she was no better than she should be, for whatever reason. Surely in Alaska such matters of propriety wouldn’t signify, and that, Maggie decided, would be a relief.

“You’re both utterlyshameless!” she’d scolded them, but she’d been laughing, and they had grinned in return. It had been so nice to sit and chat, to feel cozy and loved,partof something. Her father had gotten out his harmonica, and he’d pleaded with Maggie to dance, and laughing, a little embarrassed, she had, picking up her skirts to show off the quick, neat steps while her da played and Danny cheered her on.

It wasn’t until she’d been finishing her plum pudding that Maggie had realized, with a jolt, that Brendan must have slipped away at some point. He hadn’t accompanied them to Danny and her father’s cabin; he hadn’t shared in their meal, their merry stories, or their music.

Guilt needled her, especially when she considered what it would have been like if shehadn’tbeen there. It would have been Brendan joining Da and Danny for the noonday meal, Brendan laughing at their lurid tales, Brendan sharing in their plans for adventure once they reached the wild shores of Alaska.

And yet, that piercing guilt was followed by a determined, reckless defiance. Danny and Da wereherfamily, and shebelonged there with them as they’d said themselves. If Brendan absented himself because of her, then so be it.