Page 72 of Big & Lily

“It’s not bad to want to take care of the people you love, Big. And we do need you. All of us. But maybe you have to stop for a second, give yourself the chance to take a breath. You could find out what more you want out of this life.”

“Oh, that old chestnut.” Have Lily and Brick Malone, Earth Walker, Soul Searcher, been conspiring?

“It’s true, though. We can handle it, although I’m not sure about Ruth. That’ll be tough, I’m not gonna lie, she’s not one for new tricks. But the rest of us can manage a bump or a bruise or a scab on our knee, at least for a while. Just don’t go too far.”

We sit side by side watching the creek. In lieu of a hug, I lick my thumb and try to wipe some of the dried blood off Lily’s cheek.

“Gross, get off,” she says, elbowing my hand away and then groaning at the pain that causes her ribs.

“I love you too,” I say, grabbing a handful of earth and tossing it, which for some reason hurts my ankle. “Fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into,” I add when the pain subsides.

“I blame Eric.”

“And, apparently, Eric blames me.”

Lily snort-laughs, then winces. “Well, he wasn’t wrong. Like I said, youweremy goal.”

“So, what you’re saying is I did you a favor. Big to the rescue again.” I stop and stare at her. Have I taken it too far, too soon?

“Don’t start patting yourself on the back just yet.” She laughs then gets quiet. “It doesn’t matter. Bottom line, I’m not going to have any kids. Husband or not. It’s kind of laughable that Eric bailed now. He was going to get what he wanted. I’m nothing like you and never will be.”

“Is that a medical opinion or are you playing Dr. WebMD?”

“It’s obvious.”

“I thought it was me.”

“I just told you it was you. Eric blames you.”

“No, I mean the reason you haven’t gotten pregnant. I thought it was my fault. I guess I still do.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“The accident.”

“What accident?”

“The one you were laughing it up over in the bar the other night. When you begged me to take you to the mall for the Beanie Babies.”

“What does that have to do with me getting pregnant now?”

“Mom was pissed at me. You had those bruises from the seat belt. She said—”

“Wait a second? You’ve been carrying this around all these years? You think a seat belt made me infertile?”

“I don’t. Not logically, I guess. But maybe it was possible. There was no way to know at the time. And she was so mad. I could never shake it.”

“Mom probably didn’t even mean it. She was always saying weird random shit off the top of her head. I can’t believe you believed her.”

“I guess I was in shock, and the guilt was killing me, and it got embedded in my brain. Sometimes things don’t have to make sense to stick in your head and become a fact. Thinking about it now, it might be why I doubled down on taking responsibility for you. And then you guys had all that trouble getting pregnant. I mean, you’ve been trying for so long. What if Mom was right?”

“Hold on, Big. You are not responsible for me not being able to have kids. You are absolved of whatever penance you think you’ve been serving. And I know you thought it was your job or your calling or whatever, but you can’t protect me from everything.”

“I just didn’t want you to get hurt again.”

“Well, you did a shitty job of that.” Lily holds out her injured wrist as an example and laughs, as I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. “Seriously, like I said before, sometimes I need to stand on my own two feet.”

Wiping my eyes yields a streak of tears and dirt on the back of my hand. “Well, you don’t always do the best job of showing that. Why do I feel like I’m always coming to save you?”