Page 57 of Big & Lily

The trail is bordered by thickly packed trees and a leaf canopy that gives the illusion of nighttime—the first time we’ve had this sensation since we’ve been here. The damp ground smells like rotting wood. Puddles of mud pockmark the trail. I try to avoid them with my pristine boots, but the more experienced hikers in the group trudge right through. We are still deep in the woods when the trail narrows. On our right, the ground becomes a steep uphill. Dead fallen trees scatter like pick-up sticks, some of them tumbled down toward the trail as they fell and slid into their still-standing kin. On our left, it’s like an upside-down world. The same thick trees, the same downed trunks, but the ground falls away abruptly into a deep ravine. I move away from the drop-off, feeling my fear of heights rush up on me.

In the boggiest part of the trail, Xavier starts jumping into mud puddles as if he’s a little kid in the rain. I’m so happy to see him finding that feeling, especially after spending a week with a bunch of boring adults and their complicated grown-up antics. I worry that Zave has seen more than he should.

“Xavier!” Ian snaps, and the boy freezes. “Cut it out. You are ruining your boots.”

“Brick said we were going to get muddy anyway.”

“You don’t need to make it worse.”

Lily walks over to the puddle where Xavier stands and jumps in it with him. “Oof, thisisfun!”

Ian glares at Lily. Xavier tries not to smile. The group stops and turns toward my sister, ankle deep in the sludge.

“Are you mocking me?” Ian asks.

“No, I’m saying it is fun. We adults lose all childlike joy. Zave is giving me a gift, reminding me about that. Hey, Big! It’s a gift from Alaska!”

Ian rolls his eyes and sighs. “Is that what he’s doing? Shows how much you understand about the male adolescent brain.” Xavier turns red and lowers his head. Unfazed, Ian persists. “Do you have children of your own, Lily?”

I clench my jaw and hold my breath for a beat. It’s not likemy sister hasn’t been asked this question a million times. She’s always fielded it with grace, never making the questioner feel badly or guilty for asking it. But she’s also not had to address it since she found that damn CVS receipt.

She lifts her chin and levels her eyes at Ian. “No, but I was aunt to a male adolescent brain, and he came out okay.”

“All I’m saying is, wait until you have children of your own. Then you’ll understand.”

Lily nods her head slowly. She steps out of the puddle and inspects her ringless fingers. A second that feels like an hour passes.

“Well, then,” she says calmly. “Jokes on me. I can’t have kids. I guess I’ll remain ignorant.”

A vision emerges from the Pandora’s box I’ve tried unsuccessfully for years to bury it in. The car accident, flashing red lights in the dark. My mother’s accusatory glare.What have you done?I grab my sister’s hand. Luna comes forward and wraps her strong arms around her. Everyone else stares straight ahead.

Except Ian, whose mouth flaps. “Lily, I didn’t—”

“What the hell, man?” demands Dane.

“Nope, it’s fine, Dane. Ian is right. How should I know? I’m just a woman whose husband cheated on her before I even had a chance to find out. And now I’ve got no one. Except Big. She’s the only one who’s stuck with me. Has always, will always stick with me. She’s the only person on earth who’d be willing to let me drag her out here on this crazy trip when she doesn’t even want to walk to the end of her driveway to pick up her mail.”

“Lily,” I whisper, squeezing the hand I’ve been holding onto.

“It’s okay,” she whispers back. “It was time.”

I want to talk to her about what she just said. Can’t have kids. I want to tell her it might seem like it now, but it’s not too late. Yes, there are a lot of obstacles between here and there, but she’s not too old, and it’s not too late. I want her to remember that. I’ll keep thatto myself, for now. I pull on my sister’s hand, and we continue along the trail together.

Eventually, we rise above the tree line and reach an open meadow. Wild grasses and scrubby bushes dotted with green berries tower over our heads, and the path becomes tighter and begins to wind, preventing us from seeing what’s around the corner.

“What if there is something scary waiting up there for us?” I ask Jace, who is still chaperoning us.

“That will be a front-of-the-line problem.” He laughs.

“Your boss is at the front of the line,” Lily says. “Aren’t you worried that you’ll lose your job if he gets eaten?”

“Or,” he says, pointing a finger in the air, “will I take over the whole operation?”

“Oh, funny, you two. Very funny,” I say as they both giggle. “It’s a legit concern.”

“No worries, Bridget. This group is making enough noise to scare off Cocaine Bear, yeah. And besides, Brick is armed, if it came to that.”

“He said he’s never used that gun.”