Page 39 of Big & Lily

“I’m not trying to shut down your fun,” I pant, still lying on my stomach, afraid that trying to right myself will end me up back in the lake. “I’m trying to protect you. You’re not yourself, Lily. I don’t want you to make a mistake that is only going to make your current situation worse.”

“I’m freezing my fucking ass off, sitting on top of a capsized boat, lost on an iceberg-filled lake, and stuck with you. How can my current situation be any worse?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t want to talk—”

“You never want to talk about it. But isn’t that why we’re here? Isn’t that why you wanted me to come so badly?”

Lily looks pained. Her face is ruddy. Her eyes are sunken. There is an unfamiliar downturn to her mouth. I know it’s mostly from being submerged in cold water. But I also know that’s not all of it.

“Well, I changed my mind.”

“Now is not the best time to tell me you changed your mind about me being here.”

“I don’t mean that.”

“Then, what do you mean?”

She wipes her nose with her wet sleeve and looks off at the moonscape-like terrain. “I can’t tell you... I mean, I don’t... oh, forfuck’s sake, Big. Can we just drop it for one damn second? You’re like a fucking pit bull.”

No, I will not just drop it. That’s not what I do. Not when it comes to Lily. “So, you’re just going to bulldoze through the trip and cry yourself to sleep at night?”

My sister growls in exasperation. “You wouldn’t understand. You have everything you’ve ever wanted. You don’t have to pick up pieces of a life that someone else shattered into sharp, stabbing shards and keep going. Let alone start again.”

Lily will never understand how every one of those sharp pieces hurts me too. How much I want her to have her happily ever after. How hard I try to give it to her. But some things, I guess, are not mine to give.

I take a deep breath and share the lunar view with her. I’ll try again another time. “Whatever happens, hon, you’re not alone,” I say. “You have a lot of people who love you.”

“Except one.” She wipes a tear from her eye, then lifts her chin back in the direction we came from. “Oh, look. The cavalry.”

Two boats have come around the back of the iceberg. Brick and Dane, each leaning forward to dip their oars faster when they catch sight of us. Once they paddle closer, I see my empty kayak tied behind Brick.

He reaches us first. “What happened? Are you all right? Are you hurt?”

Before we can answer, he radios Jace and calls him out here. They’re going to need backup. “Lily, Lily, are you okay?” Dane shouts. His handsome face looks like a cross between anxious concern and heroic. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you!” he says and then jumps out of his own kayak into the frigid waters and swims to our boat. Idiot.

“I’m fine, just freezing,” Lily answers as the actor hangs onto the edge of our kayak like he’s Jack giving up his place on the door for Rose. My sister seems charmed by the stupid gesture.

“I’m fine too,” I mumble from my position lying butt up, my legs dangling.

Dane ignores me and asks Lily, “How did you end up in the water?”

She glances over, and I’m ready to be ratted out. I let my boat float off. I clumsily fell in. I pulled her overboard. “It was a silly accident,” she says. “Beginner’s bad luck.”

“As long as you’re both unharmed,” says Brick. “But, Dane, I appreciate the help, but we didn’t need a third person in the lake.”

“I guess there’s no more ‘drinks for being in the drink’ prize,” I say.

Brick raises an eyebrow at me, too polite and professional to tell me what he’s probably thinking. “Let’s get you sorted and back to camp, find you some dry clothes and a cup of hot tea, and tuck you up in front of the firepit.”

Wrapped in a new set of hand-me-downs—a hoodie from a band called Royal Blood from Xavier, flannel pajama bottoms from my box of secondhand belongings, and Mimi’s shawl, crocheted by her in colorful granny squares, I hold my hands up to the flames. I can’t shake the chill that still hangs over me like a shadow.

Jace throws another log on the already roaring fire, and orange sparks jump and rush up to the sky. The glowing embers are like stars—the closest we’ll get to seeing them, considering how long it stays light this time of year. Everyone around the firepit is quiet, their bellies full of Heidi’s Chinook salmon linguini and a few glasses of nice wine—except for my sister and Dane, who have their heads together laughing at something. The talking to I gave Dane seems to have done nothing to deter him. Lily, clearly taken with his moronicTitanicact, is only encouraging him. I try to keepan eye on them, but my lids are too heavy to be up for the job. In fact, every inch of my body feels leaden.

Mimi is the first to excuse herself. She kisses Luna on the head and shuffles off. She’s been especially quiet today, and that’s saying something. When she’s disappeared into her cabin, I scoot over and take her place on the log next to Luna. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is she okay?” I ask.

“She’s just tired.”