Page 51 of Bless This Hot Mess
“Yes! Litigating. And having rows with those defence lawyers. Offence is what I do. Never one to be on the bottom.”
Japheth slapped his hand over the phone again, leaning over to whisper to Ronald and Rebekkah, “Guys, he’s a legit lawyer! It’s really him!”
“Well…Micah,” Japheth said, turning back to the phone, “I host…ow!” He yelped as Rebekkah elbowed him. “I mean, co-host…ow!” Ronald’s elbow followed. “I co-co-host a radio show, and my fellow co-co-hosts and I were wondering if it would be legally precarious for us to switch up lyrics on songs and sing them on our show.”
Micah’s voice was thoughtful, “Like that Weird Al guy? You mean, like thatBadsong he madeFat?”
“Umm, yeah?” Japheth hesitated, not entirely familiar with Weird Al or his repertoire.
“Entertainment law isn’t my specialty,” Micah replied, unfazed. “As you know, I specialize in slips and falls and occasionally mysterious disappearances. Can you give me an example of what you’d like to do?”
“Well, sure,” Japheth said, glancing at Ronald and Rebekkah with anticipation. “We want to take sexy, salacious, or sinful lyrics from popular songs and clean them up to make them born-again bops.”
“Bops?” Micah echoed, intrigued.
“My co-co-hosts are actually with me now,” Japheth said excitedly. “It’ll be easier to understand if you give us a listen. Let me just put you on speaker… there. We’ll do the Ricky Martin one? Ready, Trinity? A one-two-three-four!”
Rebekkah, Japheth and Ronald leaned in toward the phone outstretched in Japheth’s hand and sang,
“He’ll make you take your clothes off
and get baptized in His name!
Strivin’ to live that pious life,
from red meat on Fridays, you must abstain!
Get on board this Christian train, come on!
Get your Bibles out! Livin’ la vida santo!”
LISTEN to Livin’ la Vida Santo Reprise
There was a pause, and then Micah’s voice, full of enthusiasm, came back over the line, “Okay, okay! Nowthat’scatchy!”
“So, what do you think?” Japheth asked, feeling a rush of adrenaline. “Any legal issues? We just really want to be sure before we start singing these covers on our new radio show, and I figured a lawyer with your, your…je ne sais quoiand expertise would know.”
“Yes. I’d know,” Micah swiftly confirmed. “Carry the one and yes, yes, this is totally legit. You have nothing to worry about Jafar.”
“It’s Japheth. Like Noah’s youngest son,” Japheth corrected kindly. He had grown used to people mispronouncing, misspelling and generally avoiding using his name if possible. He got a lot of ‘hey-you’. He didn’t quite understand why it was so troubling, to him it was easy and basicallyphonetic. JAY-Feth. ?*
Oh, that didn’t take you long! Great, we’re all back. Let’s begin, or rather continue…
Micah, like many before him, shrugged it off, “Greek to me.”
“Japhetic, actually, if you’re inquiring about the ethnic origins of the name? Though you’realsoright Micah. Therearereferences to the name in Hebrew, Latin and Greek! So, itcanbe Greek to you,” Japheth smiled to himself; he and Micah were really hitting it off.
“What radio station did you say your show is on?” Micah asked, dodging anymore dives into onomastics, as he wasn’t well studied on the subject and frankly didn’t care.
Japheth’s smile grew even wider, “WWJD! Will you be listening?”
“I’ll be faxing over your bill,” Micah replied flatly.
“Oh, right. Of course, Esquire. So, you’re going to represent us? You’re our lawyer?” Japheth asked, giddy at how relatively easy this all was, thanks to Jesus giving him the finger from the sky.
“You bet, Japet,” Micah agreed over the sound of typing, already eagerly making up his bill, emphasis on the making up.
“And if I, or we have any after-hours questions, is this the best number to reach you? 1-888-AXI-DENT? Mm-hmm. Okay, well thank you! I do hope you’ll visit your Canadian chambers soon and we can consummate this new legal union,” Japheth hung up the phone, eyes widewith disbelief.
