Page 111 of In the Same Boat

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I do. Think about it. I left him,’ I reply. ‘What would it look like if I went crawling back now, now that I know he’s rich? He’s not going to think it’s genuine.’

‘But it is,’ she stresses.

‘But I can’t prove that,’ I reply. ‘And I told him, very plainly, that the two of us were a mistake.’

‘I think, if the two of you talk…’

‘Nah, I’m not doing that, I’m too embarrassed,’ I tell her.

‘You’d let a little embarrassment stop you from finding love, hmm?’

I think back to what Nico said, about letting yourself be embarrassed in front of people, owning it, but this is so, so much worse than falling through a kids’ climbing frame.

For a while, we just sit – another of Mum’s tactics, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I’m not going to come around to her way of thinking, not on this one.

I suppose I understand why he didn’t tell me about his business. It must be hard, but he didn’t give me much credit, did he? He treated me like someone who might only like him for what he had from the off, and he could have told me at any time, but he kept it a secret.

I don’t know what’s stronger, my embarrassment or my anger, but I have enough of both to know that I don’t want to talk to him.

Mum squeezes my hand again.

There’s nothing I could do right now, not even if I wanted to, which is probably for the best.

Thinking about it, I’m not sure I did care all that much about Nico seemingly having no direction in life. I think the thing that scared me the most was how much I felt for him, that we might end up moving too fast, him moving in with me – and then what? Maybe things would go well or maybe they wouldn’t. Would he stay with me because he had nowhere to go? I know now that never would have been the case, but it scared me. I liked him enough that my first thought was: how do I make sure I don’t get hurt? Me and my bloody risk assessments. I never stop to think that maybe I’m the liability to myself, do I? This time it was all me, and there’s no escaping that, is there?

27

SAMMIE

I’d like to say Mum and I have learned a lot, since our trip to Monaco a couple of weeks ago – that said, if she had learned from the experience, I doubt she would have tricked me here tonight.

I suppose I deserve it. I tricked her into going to an over-fifties dating event. So maybe it’s karma, that she’s brought me to a thirty-somethings one.

Do you know what? I think I preferred the over-fifties night. Single men in their thirties, the kind who come to events like this, are so not my type. It’s like they think they can smell desperation on us all – the only thing I’m desperate to do is leave.

‘I cannot believe you,’ I tell her, in my break between chatting to ineligible bachelors. Some are more ineligible than others. I saw one guy pocket his wedding ring.

‘Consider us even,’ she says. ‘Plus, I’m having a lovely time.’

‘You’re having a lovely time because no one is questioning whether or not you’re actually in your thirties,’ I tell her.

I, on the other hand, am hating ‘Flirty Thirty Friday’ – I especially hate the name.

‘Now, now, darling,’ she replies. ‘We both said we would be more open to meeting people.’

We did – and I regret it already.

‘Hey, baby,’ a man interrupts us.

Oh, brilliant, he’s talking to my mum, not me.

‘Right, that’s it, we’re going home,’ I tell her.

‘We are not going home,’ she says, linking her arm through mine before I can escape. ‘One more drink – come on, even if it’s just the two of us.’

Amazing really, how the vibe of The Loft shifts with the clientele. The vibe tonight is like, I’m over thirty, but I’m still fun, and I want to meet someone, and apparently I’m not that fussy any more…