Page 95 of Wear It Like a Crown

Pushing away from the railing, he started walking again, Nate catching up easily. Leo swallowed, words weighing heavily on his tongue, rough and misshapen. “I slept under this bridge a few times.” He cleared his throat. “Under other London bridges too. In tube stations, doorways, construction sites. Anywhere that’s dry and somewhat sheltered.”

A glance revealed that Nate didn’t appear surprised. With a small nod, he said, “I guessed as much. Did your parents kick you out?”

“Being gay didn’t fit into their view of a glossy world consisting of fancy titles and caviar-topped canapés.” Leo snorted, the sound dry, rasping against his palate. “I suppose you’ve known this for a while, right? I mean, it took Joshua all of three weeks to figure it out, so…”

“Joshua knows?” Now Nate did look surprised, pleasantly so. The look he shot Leo was… proud, almost.

“That particular part, yes.” Leo looked away, at the blinding reflection of the sun on the water. Half-hidden behind Southwark Bridge, the two peaks of Tower Bridge reached for the sky. They’d been visible from René’s flat as well, from the bedroom that Leo had entered only twice, René preferring to stick to the bathtub routine.

For all that it was a warm morning, Leo zipped up his leather jacket. He didn’t look at Nate when he continued. “But there’s also…” He exhaled. “Look, it’s not easy to land a job if you’re seventeen and have no references to speak of, no real qualifications other than piano lessons since age four. Never held a real job, no permanent address.”

Nate’s chuckle was quietly fond. “You could talk your way into anything.”

“Not back then. I was a little twat with absolutely no idea what reality was like.” Leo blinked a couple of times, shaking his head. His smile must have turned out wobbly. “I ran from home thinking I was so clever. That I’d fuckingshowthem. That I’d be just fine on my own and that the world would be at my feet in no time.” God, it sounded bloody stupid out loud. He’d been painfully naive back then—innocent as well,brimming with hope and illusions. “I used to dabble in music, so I thought, you know, I’d do some open mic, play some piano and sing a little, and I’d be famous in no time.”

Nate stepped aside to make room for a pushchair, then quickly caught up again. “Guess it wasn’t that easy?” he asked.

“For some reason, London wasn’t waiting with bated breath for me to show up.”

“How revolting.” In spite of the amusement in Nate’s tone, his expression was serious, eyes kind. Leo countered it with a lopsided smirk.

“Truly was. Also my first taste of real life.”

“Is that also part of why…” Nate’s lips pressed together, and he paused to gulp down some tea. At Leo’s questioning glance, he lifted one shoulder. “Just wondering whether you saw some of yourself in Joshua? Like, the slight naivety that comes with growing up sheltered. Is that part of why you reacted like that, all… derisive? I mean, I know it was more than that, with your teenage crush on him, but do you think?—”

“Maybe a little,” Leo cut in. “It’s complicated.”

Joshua. Joshua, Joshua, Joshua. Everything always came back to Joshua, didn’t it? If it hadn’t been for that one moment in the scrummage, for Leo’s unexpected reaction to another boy’s body as they’d been shoved close together, Joshua only fourteen at the time… It might have taken Leo longer to figure himself out. He might have finished school instead of dropping the news on his parents in the stubborn hope that just this once, they’d prove him wrong and would embrace their son, accept him as he was.

“Never doubted that it’s complicated.” Nate’s voice was cautious, watching Leo as though expecting him to close off any moment. Leo felt abruptly exhausted.

Crumpling up his empty cardboard cup, he waited until they’d passed a group of teenagers who posed for dramatic selfies against the backdrop of St Paul’s Cathedral, cracking up with laughter at the resulting pictures. It was sweet.

Leo kept his voice quiet and even. “Either way, as I said, I was a stupid little twat. I burned through my initial money pretty quickly, andthen I was just—it was an accident.” He avoided looking at Nate. The ground felt a little unsteady under his feet, as though the Millennium Bridge was swaying even though almost two years of construction had striven to prevent just that. “The first time someone paid me for sex, it was… a misunderstanding. But I needed the money, so I kept my mouth shut and took it.”

Nate inhaled sharply. Leo didn’t dare glance over, too afraid of what he might see.

A few moments passed in silence before he added, “And then, after that, I just thought, you know, why the hell not? The sex was okay. I didn’t mind it, not initially, although it all got a bit… There’s not much of an appeal if it’s one-sided, not at all about what you yourself might want. It’s different from sleeping with someone because you want to. Me, I had to deliver. So that wasn’t very—I’d completely forgotten that sex could be fun. And then, with Joshua, that was—fuck. It was on a whole new level.”

He’d pushed the words out, and as soon as he was done it felt like his ribcage was collapsing in on itself. He kept walking, staring straight ahead, and didn’t stop until Nate drew him to halt. His hand was warm on Leo’s shoulder. “Leo,” he said, so very gentle.

When he pulled Leo into an embrace, Leo stumbled before he sank into it. Nose tucked into Nate’s T-shirt, he took what might have been his first real breath in hours.

They must have looked a right mess, clinging to each other in the middle of a stream of pedestrians, but Leo couldn’t bring himself to care even a little. Oh God.Oh God. He’d—Nateknew. Leo had told him, and Nate hadn’t cringed away. Lifting his head to gauge Nate’s expression, Leo found mainly sadness in his gaze, only the tiniest hint of pity.

Leo wiped a hand over his eyes and tried for a faint smile, stepping back. “So,” he managed, his voice as unreliable as his sense of balance. “That’s it, I guess. That’s me.”

“It’s not you,” Nate protested immediately. “It’s just… one piece of you. It’s notyou.”

Nate’s hand was a welcome, steadying pressure on Leo’s shoulder. Leo glanced around, found no one paying them any attention, andwhile his heart was still thrumming against his ribs, it wasn’t quite as urgent anymore. Like coming down after a mad dash from the police, or a breathless orgasm that had shaken him up from the inside, like breaking open. The kind he’d experienced only twice in his life.

Nate came to lean next to Leo, close enough that their arms brushed together. His question was low. “Does Joshua know?”

“No.” Leo’s breath stuttered in his throat, and he swallowed around empty air. “He’d think less of me. Even if he didn’t… I can’t be with him, so what’s the point?”

“What’s the point? What do you mean, ‘what’s the point?’” Nate sounded incredulous. When Leo glanced over, he found Nate watching him with a frown, starkly outlined by the bright sun. “Thepoint,” Nate said, before Leo could think to interrupt, “is that you’re in love with him. And I’m pretty sure it’s mutual.”

Leo’s shrug turned out helpless, and he managed to hold Nate’s gaze for only a short moment. “It doesn’t matter.”