Page 92 of Wear It Like a Crown

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So there was an extra-special VIP lounge for the top of the crop, all marble floors and plush carpets and a number of private lounges, perfectly removed from the travelling public. Leo couldn’t say he was surprised, but the exclusive surroundings didn’t help in settling his pulse.

“You okay?” Nate whispered.

“Define ‘okay’,” Leo replied, equally low,although he doubted it escaped the notice of the woman who’d introduced herself as the manager of this particular slice of subtle extravagance. He should have waited in the car. Fuck, it must have been a bout of temporary insanity that had prompted him to follow Nate for no reason other than a vague need to see Joshua again, just one more time before Leo would force himself to let it go.

Right. Because torturing himself with what he couldn’t have was clearly how he rolled.

“Okay as in—” Nate cut himself off when they found themselves face to face with Zach. Subtly, Leo tried to shift behind Nate.

Leo could still turn around and run. Except for how Joshua must have been told that Leo was here, so it would be the act of a coward. Not that Leo was on the fast track to winning an award for bravery as it was, but—Jesus, fuck everything.

He entered behind Nate and kept his gaze on the floor, stopping just inside the room as he mumbled a greeting. With a squeeze of Leo’s shoulder, Nate moved towards Mo. Only when he was gone did Leo glance up.

Joshua was staring at him, eyes wide. Leo stared back.

Dressed in comfortable clothes, light streaming in through the window behind him, Joshua was the loveliest thing Leo had ever seen. Curls licked at his temples, and even from across the room Leo could make out the clear green of his eyes, no longer lost in digital translation. Vaguely, Leo was aware that Tristan was there as well, that Mo and Nate were talking, but his focus had narrowed to Joshua rising from his armchair, still staring at Leo.

Something had changed, Leo thought dimly. The resignation, maybe. Yes, that’s what had changed—when Joshua had left Leo’s flat he’d looked resigned; now, he looked hopeful.

Leo’s chest hurt. He didn’t move from his position near the door as he watched Joshua draw closer. His fingers felt numb with how much he wanted to reach out and touch, body heavy with how he’d lost every right to do just that.

“What are you doing here?” Joshua asked, voice a soft rasp. Oh God, Leo wasn’t ready for this. A hundred decades couldn’t have prepared him.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know anything anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he managed. “I shouldn’t have come.”

Joshua swallowed. “So you’re still scared,” he said softly. The brightness in his eyes drained away, and it felt like watching a car crash in slow motion, like the sun winked out by a cover of clouds. And it was Leo’s fault.

He shouldn’t have fuckingcome.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. His throat was burning with all the words he couldn’t say,still scared, you’re still scared, and yes, fuck, hewas.He’d never been more terrified. Joshua remained silent, looking at Leo with sadness tucked into the corners of his eyes, curled into himself, and Leo wanted him so much, so much.

“I wish—” Leo cut himself off abruptly.

“So do I,” Joshua whispered. “I wish it could be easy.”

I wish I could rewrite my history for you, Leo thought. Very lightly, he shook his head and made himself turn away, could barely force out a quiet, “Tell Nate I’ll be waiting in the car, please.”

Joshua let him go without a sound. Leo didn’t know why he’d expected anything different.

* * *

The moment the door closed Joshua returned to his armchair, sat down with all the poise he could muster—and then spoiled the effect by sagging into himself, lids pressed shut as he fought not to cry. Almost instantly, Tristan squeezed in next to him, and then Mo was there as well with a warm touch to the back of Joshua’s neck and his voice pitched to a soothing murmur.

“Shit,” Nate said, lost and astonished, and oh, yes, Nate was still here and had to witness Joshua’s breakdown. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

I wish, Joshua’s mind replayed.I wish. I wish. I wish.

* **

Normally, Leo was good at forcing all his thoughts away until they became static noise in the back of his mind. It figured that Joshua would strip him of this very last resort, too.

Fuck.Fuck. Whatever Leo had hoped to accomplish by seeing Joshua just that one time more… What had he beenthinking? Curling up in the driver’s seat, Leo held his breath until his lungs felt swollen with blood, then exhaled. Repeated it.

By the time Nate wrenched open the passenger door, Leo’s breathing had stabilised and his heart was no longer trying to claw its way past his ribs. Slowly, he straightened in his seat and blinked his lids open to find Nate stooping low to stare at him.