Page 85 of Wear It Like a Crown

Another stretch of silence twisted, poisonous like a snake. Then Joshua sighed, and there was no reproach in his voice, no anger. Just resignation.

“Well. I guess we’ll never find out, will we?”

With that, he turned away and opened the door, stepped quietly out into the stairway. The door clicked shut behind him, and Leo stared at its blank surface for a shuddering moment before he squeezed his eyes shut. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t.

Blinking, he moved towards the bathroom and didn’t bother taking off his clothes before he stepped under the spray of the shower. Even though he turned the temperature so far up he could barely stand it, he felt frozen to the core.

He’d made the right decision. Hadn’t he?

* **

Joshua didn’t bother checking for people before he stepped out of the building. Without sparing his surroundings so much as a single glance, he crossed the short distance to the car, wrenched open the door and threw himself into the backseat.

In the rear-view mirror he caught Zach’s worried look. Joshua slid further down into his seat and bit his lip, nausea pressing down on his stomach. “Home, please,” he said.

For just an instant, it seemed as though Zach would ask a question. Then he nodded and turned the key, the engine humming to life while the past few minutes rattled around Joshua’s brain, spinning in circles, his own words getting tangled up with Leo’s—You’re just scaredandI couldn’t possibly be with youandI’m in love with you. It doesn’t matter.

Closing his eyes, Joshua tried to make sense of it all. He couldn’t. Whatever Leo had done, he’d said it hadn’t been illegal. What could be so bad that he would refuse to explain, even when Joshua had asked him outright?

You wouldn’t like the truth.

Something tugged on Joshua’s consciousness, a statement Leo had made a while ago. It took him a moment to recall the small kitchen in James’ office, the challenge in Leo’s eyes.Where I come from, the only currencies are money, sex and power. More often than not, they’re one and the same.Nobility accounted for two of those three things, but sex? Why sex? How was sex connected to money? Or to power, or both?

And—God, there had been that other time on Joshua’s terrace, talking about bottles and shot glasses, about friendship and sex.Personally, I believe that shot glasses are overrated.Or that time in the van, how adamant Leo had been about Shayna, insisting that selling her body didn’t make her a victim. That Joshua shouldn’t pity her.I’m not saying they’re good choices, but they’re hers.

And then… Oh shit.Shit. The way Leo had acted that night when they’d fallen into each other. That contradiction between his obvious experience and those sparks of innocence, those moments when he’d seemed almost surprised by his own reaction. As though his own wishes had never quite mattered before. As though he hadn’t expected to enjoy himself.

Want to stay inside you forever.

Want you to.

The car swerved around a bend, and Joshua’s stomach swerved with it. His heart was trying to beat a way out of his chest, and what if he was wrong? Jumping to conclusions?

But what if he was right?

A guy like me doesn’t get to keep a guy like you.

TEN

Some minutes into the drive back from Leo’s place, Joshua had tried to shove everything away and blank out completely. While the motions of the car had helped slow down his spinning thoughts, they’d still sparked and sizzled behind his closed lids. When the car pulled to a halt and the engine shut off, Joshua blinked his eyes open, the sudden sense of vertigo like a punch to his sternum.

“We’re here,” Zach told him, tone gentle.

Inhaling deeply, Joshua looked up at his flat. Through the car’s tinted windowpane the world took on a grey hue, sad and tired. God, he couldn’t go up there. Right now, just the idea of facing his empty flat, littered with tiny traces of Leo’s presence—no. This was too close, too personal for Joshua to see clearly. He couldn’t do this alone.

Sinking back into the upholstery, Joshua fought to control the disorientation weighing him down. “Sorry, I should have…” Shaking his head, he slid down further. “Can you take me to Tristan’s instead? Please.”

“Of course,” Zach said smoothly. A moment passed before he added, careful, “Are you all right, Joshua?”

Not even a little.

Joshua dragged up a smile and hoped it didn’t look like quite as much of a grimace as it felt. “I’ll be fine.Thank you.”

With that, he closed his eyes again and waited for the rumble of the engine, thrumming in his blood and in his bones.

It wasn’t a long drive, Tristan and Kelsey having moved into a flat near Hyde Park a couple of months ago, but it felt as though time was elastic. Ten minutes stretched to twice their usual length. When Zach informed him they’d arrived, Joshua managed another smile.

He let a group of tourists pass before he scrambled out of the car and told Zach he’d call once he was ready to go back. Or maybe he’d just call a taxi. At some point, he’d have to stop hiding from the world—especially now that he, Mo and Tristan had booked flights to Brazil for next Saturday in time for the third England match. George was supposed to leak the news of Joshua’s planned attendance tomorrow, giving them a chance to assess reactions.