Page 80 of Wear It Like a Crown

“Actually, I just wanted to have a brief word with you.” Nate sounded distinctly uncomfortable, but also determined. He took a step into the kitchen so that they were both cast in shadows.

“A word about what?” Joshua asked, but really, he already knew. Under the pretence of switching on the fairy lights above the work surface, he averted his face.

“About Leo,” Nate said, still in that decidedly firm tone. “Because I think—just please don’t be…” He broke off and sighed. When he spoke again, it was softer. “You should give him a chance to explain. He really cares about you, you know?”

He really cares about you.

Joshua shook his head to clear the fog in his brain. No, it wasn’t that easy. If Leo really did care, he didn’t careenough. Not if tired excuses were all he ever offered. He’d had about seven hundred chances to explain, and he’d only ever pushed Joshua away.

Turning, Joshua leaned back against the work surface and met Nate’s eyes. “He’s had that chance. He didn’t take it.”

The dim glow of the fairy lights was enough to reveal the flash of unease that crossed Nate’s face. He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Look, it’s complicated. I know he can be a bit of a dick, but he’s also—he’s a good person, and he’s loyal, and he’strying, okay? And he’s opened up so much already, and you’re a big part of that. Like, he took you to see his work with those kids, Joshua. Do you even realise howpersonalthat is to him?”

Joshua took a moment to process the words, a tangled string ofpersonalandyou’re a big part of thatandhe’s tryingreverberating in his head. He inhaled slowly. “Are you saying that… You’re telling me that even you don’t know the full story? Like, his past? Is that really—Jesus.”

“It’s complicated,” Nate repeated, and really, was it? It didn’t seem particularly complicated to Joshua.

“Remember when Leo told me that I was hiding behind a pretty lie to make my life easier?” Joshua’s voice came out harsher than he’d intended, and he caught the way Nate flinched. He continued regardless. “Well, who’s hiding now? And don’t tell me he’s protecting me, because I’m quite certain he’s only protecting himself.”

Nate’s forehead creased into unhappy lines. “It’s not that easy. He’s been living like this for years?—”

Joshua cut in with, “You say that like I don’t know what it’s like.”

“I’m not sure you do,” Nate said gently. “There’s a difference between being closeted and being… Doing what we do. Those of us working for James, I mean. We’re not just hiding one aspect of our lives, you know, but… much more. Generally speaking. Like, big things, from what I know or suspect about the others. So I don’t think it’s quite the same.” His frown deepened, and Joshua exhaled in a rush, contrite. They were both quiet for a moment, Nate with his gaze fixed on the floor, clearly uncomfortable.

It was Joshua who ended the silence with a low, “I’m sorry, Nate.It’s not you I’m angry with. I know you’re just being a good friend, and I appreciate that.”

Nate replied with a slight delay, worry still plain on his face. “Please just try not to… Don’t judge him too harshly. Don’t break his heart. Please?”

Don’t break his heart.

Joshua blinked, blinked again, his heart in his throat because—what. That was a lot more thanhe cares about you, far more thanyou do want me. Did that mean… But no. Surely not. Leo cared, yes. But if he’d been in love with Joshua, in actuallove, he would have stayed.

Or not? Could he be in love with Joshua and still falter at the thought of what a relationship would entail? At the sheer amount ofbaggagethat would come with being Joshua’s partner? And, oh. Wasn’t that just what Joshua had always feared? With a start, he remembered his own words from what seemed like years ago, from the first time Leo had been to this very flat and Joshua had dumped his own bitter fears and doubts on him without warning.Show me the guy who’ll stick around once the media calls on the hunt.

But Leo was a fighter. He wouldn’t give up that easily. Or would he?

Show me the guy who loves me enough.

“Nate,” Joshua began, and then Mo ambled into the kitchen. Nate immediately turned to look at him, frown melting away to make room for a smile that seemed like an automatic reaction to Mo’s presence. There was a strange tilt to it though, something almost like guilt.

“Everything all right?” Mo asked, glancing back and forth between them.

It took Joshua a second to pull himself together. He nodded at Mo and waited for Nate to do the same. Instead, Nate lifted one shoulder by an inch and met Mo’s gaze, appearing at a strange loss.

Mo narrowed his eyes. “Nate?”

Another second passed, then Nate swallowed. His gaze was fixed on Mo, and Joshua felt as though he was intruding on something private.

“Can we…” Nate wet his lips and started anew, looking straight at Mo. “Can we talk? I think, maybe, there’s a few things you should know.”

“Sure, yeah. Whenever you’re ready, babe.” Mo’s voice was even, and if he was surprised, he didn’t show it. Joshua remembered their conversation about this precise thing, Mo’s remark that yes, he was aware that Nate was holding back some things about his past.

Well, at least Mo might be getting truths tonight. He deserved it; bothMo and Nate deserved it. Still Joshua couldn’t fully suppress the bitterness that coloured the thought.

“Guest room is all yours,” he told them. “And a bottle of red wine, if you want it. I’ll be…” He made a vague gesture towards the living room and went to move past Mo, but was stopped by a light touch to his hip.

“Hey,” Mo said softly. “Talk tomorrow?”