Page 79 of Wear It Like a Crown
“Explain.”
“I can’t.”
“No, that’s a lie.” Abruptly, Joshua took a step back and looked away. His voice had regained its cool quality, as though he were addressing a stranger. “No,” he repeated evenly. “It’s not that you can’t. It’s that you won’t.”
Leo shivered. There was nothing he could say in his defence, nothing at all, so he took another drag of the cigarette. His hand was shaking the tiniest bit, but Joshua had already turned away and couldn’t see it anymore.
When Joshua headed back inside without so much as another glance, Leo didn’t try to stop him. Just finished his cigarette before he returned to join the others in time for the second half.
Fittingly, England lost. As soon as the final whistle sounded, Leo got to his feet and uttered a half-hearted goodbye which only Tristan and Ed echoed. Joshua was staring straight ahead while Mo shot Leo one of his deeply unimpressed looks.
Nate followed Leo out, standing in the corridor with a rather helpless expression as he crouched down to lace up his trainers. “Leo?—”
“You can stay,” Leo told him. He softened his voice and managed a smile that required conscious effort. “Seriously, you should. It’s not like I had much hope, right?”
Nate’s face dropped. “So he didn’t… I thought, when he followed you out…”
Second shoe. Leo focused on the simple, menial task and kept his voice low. “Mostly just came to yell at me. Except politely, and no yelling because it’s Joshua. So, you know.”
“I can come with you,” Nate offered. “Maybe grab a pint or something?”
After finishing with the laces, Leo rose to his feet and gave Nate a brief, impulsive hug. His chest hurt a little, but he refused to think about it. “Thank you,” he whispered, nose pressed against Nate’s throat. “Stay, though. I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll just go home, catch up on sleep.”
“If you’re sure.” Nate didn’t sound convinced.
“I’m sure.” Leo wasn’t, but there was no way he’d rob Nate of the chance to set things right with Mo. Nate had already risked more than enough by taking Leo along when he shouldn’t have. “Go back inside,” Leo told him. “Talk to Mo. Don’t let this come between you two, okay?”
Since Nate was still hesitating, Leo gave him a gentle shove.
Nate took a couple of steps, then stopped and glanced back. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”
“Yes, you will.” Leo’s smile came just a tad easier. “Nowgo.”
This time, Nate complied.
As soon as he was gone, Leo felt his smile drop, and he lingered for a moment to listen to the jumble of voices drifting out into the corridor. Then he rubbed a hand over his eyes, straightened his shoulders and left.
* * *
A guy like me doesn’t get to keep a guy like you.
What did that mean? What thefuckdid that mean?
Joshua felt like kicking something. Or like taking a swim, like diving deep, trying to hold his breath until his lungs were ready to burst with the need for air. Had it been a line, a variation of “it’s not you, it’s me”? It hadn’t seemed like a line. Not with the way Leo had reacted to Joshua’s presence today.
You do want me.
How could I not?
Leo cared. He just didn’t care enough to be honest.
And really, wasn’t that just ironic when Leo had been so quick to judge the first time they’d met. Wear it like a crown? Yeah, right. Leo was a hypocrite.
Picking up a couple of empty glasses and a bag of crisps that contained only remaining crumbs, Joshua slid off the sofa, leaving the others to dissect all the things that had gone wrong with the match. The kitchen was dark and silent, and he didn’t bother flicking on the light as he crossed over to the sink. When he’d gone out to confront Leo, there’d been a mild, alcohol-induced glow around everything. It had long since evaporated. Now he just felt tired and confused, even more so than before.
“Joshua,” Nate said from behind him, and Joshua startled, jolting around. Outlined by the brightness falling in from the corridor, Nate was reduced to a silhouette.
Joshua consciously loosened his posture and went for a light tone. “Didn’t hear you approach, sorry. Can I get you something?”
