Page 68 of People Change

‘No—’

‘Yes. This isn’t up for debate. My experiences aren’t up for debate, and never will be.’

It is that easy. She turns and leaves Phoebe standing there, her mouth slightly open in shock. By the time Shirin is back home, she feels a peace that comes from knowing she likely won’t see Phoebe again. She will not call or text her and they will lose contact. She’s realised she is a different person from the one she was as a teenager, and it’s unrealistic to expect their relationship to continue after all this time. That’s the thing about friendships – they don’t all last for ever, and that is okay. Or, as they say on Twitter, ending a friendship needs to be normalised. When she is with people like Mariam – and Kian – Shirin feels sogoodafterwards, like she has been heard and supported. It has taken her a while to realise that, with Phoebe, that isn’t the case. They are only friends because they always have been, and if they met as adults, they would never choose to be. She goes straight to her bedroom and sends Mariam a voice-note about what happened.

Mariam’s voice-note back says, ‘The excuse about being on her period … that is atiredand, to be honest, very weird excuse. When we’re on our periods, we don’t become monsters. I’m sorry you went through that on top of everything else. You deserve better – and good on you, for standing up for yourself.’

Shirin replies, thanking Mariam for everything, truly, because without Mariam she sees that her life would have been much darker.

She knows she could have been a better friend to Phoebe, but similarly Phoebe could have been a better friend to her.Maybe that’s the point. The fact that they weren’t is a sign that they’re not meant to be, and that’s fine. Now, though, in getting her friendships in order, she needs to speak to Hana.

While Shirin would rather throw herself out of a moving car than deal with confrontation, she knows she needs to have this conversation with Hana. Once you focus on sorting out your life, it becomes addictive.

It is almost midnight. Her dad and Karen went to bed not long ago, and she’s migrated from her bedroom to the living room. In her room she had just done a dua for Maman Bozorg, using a book Mariam gave her, which lists different prayers. It is a comfort, even if she has to speak the English translation.

Keeping Up with the Kardashiansis on now in the sitting room, and Shirin is inspired by Kourtney’s confrontation with Khloé about something minor. They argue, but then they hug and there is a segment about how family is family, and how Khloé didn’t realise she had hurt Kourtney.

Shirin messages Hana:

Are you free to talk?

Hana sees the message and then Shirin’s phone is ringing, and the profile picture she saved for Hana flashes on her screen. Hana is only nineteen in the picture, and it was when they went to Greenwich Park for the first time, the background showcasing summer and the succulent green grass. It seems a much simpler time, though it didn’t feel that way in the moment.

‘Hello?’

‘What’s up? Is everything okay?’ Hana says.

Shirin shuts her eyes tightly, which makes what she says next feel marginally less difficult. ‘I feel like we’re not close any more.’

‘What are you—’

‘I’ve been feeling hurt because you seem to have all these new friends, who you prefer to hang out with instead of me. Which is fine, but then you say we’re best friends and always want to reminisce about the past, and it makes no sense to me. I’ve been struggling lately, and I never wanted to say it, but I think I really needed you. And I don’t want us to just continue drifting.’

‘Shirin, that’s not it at all. I really am sorry about your nan. I didn’t realise you needed me. But about you thinking I don’t want to hang out with you – that’s not it at all. I …’ Hana pauses, like she isn’t sure how to say what she wants to say next, until she lets it all blurt out. ‘I’ve been feeling really shit lately. I didn’t want you to see that side of me. You seemed to be doing so well in your job, and everyone seems to have their shit together. And, of course, they do, as we’re nearly thirty. But I don’t. I was hanging out with people that I thought would help me get a job in fashion or something, and I’m not going to lie – I got caught up in their lifestyle. But I do miss you, Shirin. I miss us. You can tell me when you’re annoyed at me. I’d rather that than you pretending we’re okay when we’re not.’

‘I miss you, too. And I’m sorry, as well. I think everything has been so much that I let us drift apart and I didn’t let youknow how I was feeling sooner. I find it hard saying how I’m really feeling, but I know we should be able to tell each other. To clarify, though, I don’t have my shit together.Andwe’re not nearly thirty.God!We have three years left – and it’s not like we’ll drop dead after we hit thirty anyway. It’s simply a new phase of our lives.’

Hana lets out a small chuckle. Then Shirin tells Hana exactly how her life isn’t put together. She tells her everything. Of course Hana knew she was part of the protest, but she didn’t know of Shirin’s close connection to Rob Grayson. Shirin expects Hana to derive some glee from this, some camaraderie that things aren’t going well, but instead Hana says, ‘Fuck, I’m sorry, Shirin.’

It seems Shirin didn’t give her friend enough credit, and that’s on her.

They spend the next hour catching each other up properly on their lives. Millie has offered Hana a PR assistant’s role at her company, which she plans to take. ‘I think I romanticised having a dream job,’ she says.

‘I know what you mean. I definitely did that too.’

‘Like, can a job really be the dream? You’re still working.’

‘Yeah. Like, my dream is to not work and live a life of luxury,’ Shirin says.

‘Exactly. And I need to let uni go, I know. It just felt like the time in which everyone was equal, and now I’ve found myself falling behind everyone. It’s embarrassing.’

‘It’s not embarrassing, Hana. There isn’t one set path in life, and that’s okay. You’re still objectively the coolest person at every party, I hope you know.’

‘I mean Idoknow that, but thanks for vocalising it.’

Shirin can hear the smile in Hana’s voice, which makes her own lips perk up too.

The phone call is cut short when Karen comes into the living room to tell her to keep it down. Despite Karen’s steely expression, Shirin feels weightless after speaking to Hana. She is almost giddy that she has her friend back, that she was able to say everything she felt and be heard.