Page 55 of People Change

‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ Shirin eventually says, though she lets herself imagine a world in which she is Kian’s muse. Such thoughts are brief and short-lived – like the beginning of her relationship with Kian, she thinks.

That evening, Kian messages Shirin asking if he can come over. It is 9 p.m. and she has just taken off her make-up. The matching yellow pyjama set she is wearing clashes with her bleached hair; she bought it when her hair was a natural brunette. Her housemates are in their respective rooms, as usual, her own bedroom door locked.

Through the walls on either side of her she can hear murmurings from her flatmates. One on the phone, the other with her boyfriend over, and she can hear their laughter. Jane, the one speaking on the phone now, sent her a text earlier in the day, telling her to not have her alarm so loud in the morning because it wakes her thirty minutes earlier than she needs to. Shirin apologised, ashamed at both waking her up and being told off. In turn, though, she asked Jane if she could not speak on the phone late at night, to which Jane replied no, because it’s her flat too. So it is confirmed that they will be actively avoiding each other even more than usual this week.

Now she looks at Kian’s message again. She knows exactly what her answer will be, so her pondering is moot. A waste of time really.

Forty-five minutes later Kian is in her bedroom. Shirin has changed into leggings and a crop top to give the appearance of casualness. Kian is in navy cord trousers and a grey high-necked top. His hair is still damp from having showered at the gym just before he came here. He’s wearing his clear glasses, though when they begin kissing, Shirin removes them and places them on her bedside table. His mouth tastes ever so slightly like a strawberry protein-shake. The imprint of his glasses remains on the bridge of his noseand she traces it with her fingertips, while he watches her with a doe-like expression. They have said very little to each other since he arrived, like they want to ignore that this is a bad idea.

Kian catches Shirin’s hand and presses his lips to her knuckles, and despite the way this makes her feel, she asks, ‘Why are you here?’

‘Do you not want me to be?’ he says, putting her hand down. His voice is steady, though his brown eyes are wide, giving him away entirely.

‘Of course I do,’ she says.

At this, he begins kissing the base of her neck, and her eyes shut of their own accord. It’s so hard to concentrate, to think clearly and logically around him, especially when he is touching her, kissing her like this.

She pulls back. ‘Aren’t you worried we’re only making things more complicated when you leave?’ she asks slowly, finding some comfort in successfully avoiding his gaze, to stop herself crumbling entirely.

Kian catches her eye and holds it, and, with that, her resolve cracks. ‘I’m not thinking about that. I might not even get a place. It’s not guaranteed. But this,’ and he takes hold of both her hands. ‘All I know is that right now I want this – you. I feel so good with you, Shirin.’

Her name on his lips does things to her, which prompts her to ask, ‘How long have you wanted me?’

‘Since I saw you at my house-party. With your pink hair and cute dress,’ he says, looking down at her now, making her heart beat quickly.

‘Not before then?’ she says, testing waters she needn’t test, wanting to see how far she can go.

He only half takes the bait though, and lets out a small laugh. ‘You know I fancied you at school,’ he says. ‘Everyone knew that.’

At this she frowns. To her this was never clear. She says as much to him now.

Kian shakes his head in dismay. ‘It was a weird time. I was so distracted and angry about my brother and everything at home, but I definitely fancied you then. I could never tell if you liked me back though. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship if you didn’t. Our friendship was everything to me then.’

A pang of uneasiness passes through her. ‘I felt the same,’ is all she can say.

His eyes darken and his lips part ever so slightly. ‘About which part?’

‘All of it.’

Round and round in her head are the implications of what he’s just said. That he’s always wanted her. And if she had known … Rather than indulge in the past, though, Shirin gets up and stands over Kian, who is sitting on the edge of the bed. She puts her hands on his shoulders and climbs on top of him, so she is straddling him. He watches her as she takes his hand and puts his thumb in her mouth. His eyes flutter shut and he rocks against her. Soon their clothes are removed one by one; she reaches over for a condom and then he is inside her. She pushes her body down each time he thrusts upwards, and each time they meet she cannot hold back her moans. Heholds her close against him, their breaths mingled together. He tells her he’s only ever wanted her, and she says she is his. He asks her to repeat this over and over again.

After, he stays the night and holds her in the dark. She thinks she might love him but doesn’t say it. His hand is wrapped around her waist and she clutches it.

‘I struggle to fall asleep,’ she tells him.

‘What do you think about?’ he asks.

She sighs. ‘Everything I’ve done wrong, or just bad things.’

He pauses, doesn’t say anything for a beat or two. ‘What bad things?’

It’s easier to speak candidly in the dark, facing away from him. She shuts her eyes. ‘That day we got suspended. The way I was pushed around. How often that happened back then.’

She keeps her hands on top of his and he squeezes them. ‘The way you were treated was really fucked up. It wasn’t fair. They’d say it was abuse if it happened now, you know,’ he says, his voice low.

She frowns. Abuse feels dramatic, like they didn’t do it to everyone who was different. She says this to him and she feels Kian shaking his head behind her.

‘Let yourself process it, Shirin. You deserve to.’