Page 35 of People Change

Shirin_x_x: why does he hate me so much?

Rob_93: idk

Rob_93: don’t tell anyone I said this but he’s having a hard time atm. His parents are divorcing and he’s just pissed off at everyone tbh

She didn’t reply. It was hard to have sympathy for someone who made your life a misery, especially when their reason was as feeble as his. Her parents were constantly fighting. She sometimes wondered not only if they loved each other but if they loved her. None of that meant she’d ever go out and intentionally hurt someone.

Rob_93: are you going out with Kian?

Shirin_x_x: no

Shirin_x_x: why would you even ask that?

Rob_93: i saw you both skiving off one time so jw

Shirin_x_x: well no, we aren’t

Rob_93: good ;)

Shirin_x_x: good?

Rob_93: yeh, cos i think ur alright

It was the most bizarre message she had ever received. And she had been in many a strange MSN group chat with Phoebe and boys from around the world.

She didn’t tell anyone what Rob had said because she didn’t want to embarrass him. Like someone saying they thought she was ‘alright’ was something to be embarrassed about. They continued messaging sporadically for the rest of the month. What she didn’t know about Rob was how passionate he was about performing arts. He went to Stagecoach every summer. She knew he did drama because they were in the same drama class, but she hadn’t realised that he wanted to be a performer. It made sense though; he always made everyone laugh, even when the script they were reciting wasn’t that funny. He just had a way about him.

Eventually he told her about his family, how his dad had left them when he was eleven and he hadn’t seen him since. He called sometimes, he said, from Tenerife – where he lived now – but it wasn’t the same. She never told him about her own family. Her gut knew there was something off, and she only partly listened to it. She wished she’d trusted herself more and had ended it in that moment. But she had misunderstood the feeling in her gut for her aversion tonew things – and change – such as being desired and talking to boys. She really thought she was uncomfortable in a good way.

The next weekend Phoebe had invited Shirin and their friend Carmen to her house for tea. Their house was a semi-detached, down a wholesome cul-de-sac, different from Shirin’s house, which was bigger, though on a main road with cars speeding past day and night. Phoebe had parents who seemed happy to be together, which was a strange sight to see. They gave each other pecks on the cheek when they said goodbye, and Shirin couldn’t remember a time when her parents had done that. She imagined being part of Phoebe’s family must be nice: less anxiety-inducing and more comforting.

Carmen was more Phoebe’s friend than Shirin’s, though they had known each other for years. They sometimes did things without Phoebe, but that was rare; Phoebe held them together. Carmen was much more focused on boys than Shirin and had a way about her that made Shirin feel bad about herself. She casually bragged about things Shirin didn’t care about, but she did it in such a way that made Shirin start to care about them. She compared herself to Carmen in these moments. Carmen was desired by the boys in their school – and the opposite sex in general. Whenever they went to town on the weekend and wandered the shopping centres, boys – and grown men – would stop and ask for her number. If this ever happened to Shirin or Phoebe, they would stutter and say they had to go. But Carmen was so used to it that sheweighed the boys up, would have conversations with them before deciding if she wanted to hand over her number. She wasn’t necessarily street-smart, though, and they would have to drag her away from men who were too old for her, who might not realise she was only fifteen – or maybe they did know and that was even worse.

Everyone fancied Carmen, and that was fine, but she was not gracious about it, and Shirin hated that she thought such things, that she thought Carmen even needed to be gracious, because would she herself be, if she got that much attention?

In front of them now, in Phoebe’s front room, was an extra-large Margherita pizza, noodles, soggy chips and spring rolls. Phoebe’s mum was known to be anally clean, and it had spread to Phoebe, who insisted they used a coaster when putting their drinks down on the coffee table – and who always washed her teaspoon straight after making a cup of tea. Their sink never had dishes in it, and always gleamed. Shirin was very careful when eating her slice of pizza on the sofa now, sitting on the edge of her seat so that if she dropped anything, it would go on the laminate flooring and not on the new corner sofa.

‘Do you fancy anyone at the moment, Shirin?’ Carmen asked between bites of pizza.

Shirin looked to Carmen, then to Phoebe. Phoebe’s gaze remained on the TV, as a pop group performed under Simon Cowell’s steely stare. This was not a wholly unusual question for Carmen to ask, because she liked talking about boys, but Shirin’s answer was always the same, so by now it seemed a pointless ask.

‘Not really, no,’ she said.

Phoebe turned then, narrowed her eyes slightly, and said, ‘What about Kian?’

Shirin’s cheeks coloured at the directness of the question, and at the two pairs of eyes on her now. ‘We’re just friends,’ she said.

Phoebe rolled her eyes. ‘You always say that, but you hang out alone a lot …’

‘Is he Muslim like you? Would your parents be okay if you went out with him?’ Carmen asked.

This was another reason why she didn’t like Carmen. She didn’t listen to Shirin when she spoke. She didn’t compute that it wasn’t a case of Shirin dating a Muslim man that would be okay – it was that Muslim people shouldn’t be romantically involved with anyone, period, before marriage. But no, Shirin didn’t need to have an arranged marriage either. She had explained this on countless occasions to Carmen, who seemed to forget time and time again, likely because she had her own fixed idea of what coming from a Muslim family meant.

Shirin opened her mouth to explain all this again when Phoebe interjected, ‘No, she can’t date anyone, remember? But you’d like to – wouldn’t you, Shirin?’

‘Well, yeah, if my dream guy came along, I wouldn’t say no.’

‘So you don’t think Kian is your dream guy?’ Phoebe said. ‘He is quite fit.’