Page 121 of The Mismatch

Another contributor finished reading her piece, and there was more clapping. Soraya rose and hurried out to the upstairs bar. Her legs were shaking.

‘Can I get a vodka cranberry?’ she asked the barman, her voice wobbly.Hold yourself together. The main bar was empty apart from the staff. She could hear the next contributor speaking downstairs and felt a pang of guilt.

It was still only just light out, the in-between phase at which in a blink of an eye the sky would turn grey and then night would arrive.

She handed the barman the money, whilst taking a sip, and felt the familiar warmth of alcohol she’d grown accustomed to.

Predictably, she felt a presence behind her.

She shut her eyes, counting to ten, wishing what she knew to be wrong.

On six he spoke. ‘Soraya,’ Magnus said. She’d forgotten his accent, forgotten how real it made him. In her head his voice was neutral, without flaw. Out loud she was remindedof how he always pronounced her name with the emphasis on the wrong letters.

Somewhere she was aware of the noise from downstairs, and probably the barman looking at her like she was a psycho, but she couldn’t open her eyes. This was her way of burying her head in the sand. Her attempt to escape. Cornered and with no way out, she chose simply to no longer see. But it was no good. There was no escaping Magnus’s presence; even his scent seemed to overwhelm her.

‘Soraya,’ he said again, his hand ever so lightly placed on her shoulder. She recoiled, snapping her eyes open in the process.

When she turned and saw him she felt the familiar tingle of embarrassment.Why can’t I behave normally?

His hair was longer, collar-length and wavy, and he had let his stubble grow. Her gaze travelled to his arms, which were still defined under his top. This only annoyed her further, because unlike before he wasn’t pursuing her, he wasn’thersanymore. He was just a stranger coming at the worst time, distracting her from an important event.

‘Oh, hi,’ she said.

He, too, seemed speechless. His hand was still raised in front of him and he lowered it slowly, as though in a daze. As though he hadn’t quite expected her to turn around. This pushed her over the edge. She walked around him and hovered by the door. She couldn’t leave, it was her event, but she longed to be out of this room. How could she go downstairs and sit quietly when her mind was racing, her heart pounding?

‘Your piece was really beautiful—’ she heard him say.

She didn’t let him finish.

‘Why are you here?’ she asked.

He sighed, his brown eyes soft, imploring her to understand. But understand what?

‘You deleted me,’ he said.

‘And?’ she replied. It came out more sharply than she intended.

He gave her a wounded look. She wanted to walk away from him, make him feel how he had made her feel all those months ago. But her curiosity was piqued. Her hopes were raised. And it was better to dash them quickly.

‘Why?’ he said. It was almost a whisper, and she couldn’t believe it had come from him. She looked at his face closely, trying to gauge what exactly it was he was thinking.

‘It seemed unnecessary to have each other on Facebook,’ she said. ‘Besides, you live in Paris now – why are you even here?’

‘I’m not just talking about Facebook. You also blocked me on Instagram, Twitter, and even my number … there was no way for me to contact you. I hoped at least we could be friends.’

Soraya rolled her eyes. He still hadn’t answered her question. ‘Magnus, we didn’t end things well. Our whole relationship was a sham.Whywould we be friends?’

He looked wounded for a moment. ‘It wasn’t a sham. I thought maybe once the dust settled …’

‘Well, I don’t want to talk to you. I haven’t forgiven you.’ The words stuck in her mouth, were a struggle to let out but she knew she needed to say them.

He shut his eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose. He breathed deeply. It was unnerving. ‘I fucked up, OK, I fucked up, and I want …’

‘You want what?’ She kicked herself for asking.

‘I don’t … I don’t know.’

‘Well, I need to go back downstairs.’ Soraya moved towards the stairs, her back to him.