Page 75 of Bridget & Gabe Are Not Okay

“I am sorry that it took me so long.”

“Solong,” Arthur repeated. He sighed. “I need you to know—I was never with you because it waseasy, Gabe. God knows I’d have looked anywhere but the throne if that’s what I wanted.”

“I understand. And I understand that it’s probably… too late.”

“Too late for what?” Arthur was looking at him, confused, and then his eyebrows shot up as comprehension dawned. “Oh.Oh.”

It was too much to hope for. Gabriel knew that. But he couldn’t help but hope anyway, even though it felt bloodyawful.

Arthur was still staring disbelievingly at him.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have… Maybe this was…”

Gabriel went to get up, and Arthur said, “No.”

“No… to what?”

“No,” Arthur said, incensed, “Justno. This is ridiculous. You want to know afternine months, now that you’ve finally worked out how you feel, if I want to give it another try? After all theendlesswork I did to try to feel better about this? I started birdwatching, Gabriel.Watching birds. I did absolutely everything I could to get over you without destroying myself in the process, and it’s not… it’s not fair of you to say all this to me now.”

“I know,” Gabriel said, “I’m so—”

“Because I do love you,” Arthur said, still furious. “Obviously. And I’ve been trying really hard not to. But it’s been… I mean, I don’t know why I agreed to be on your stupid roundtable, except that Sidney was desperate to be made a knight and I thought if he and Gwen were both gone I might throw myself off the guest turret. I knew it would be torture, and it has been.”

“It’s been hard,” Gabriel agreed, his heart racing so fast his vision felt a little spotty. He felt like he was either about to be executed or pardoned, and either option was going to make him throw up. “For me too.”

“And now you’re asking me to just take that risk, again, when you might hurt me,again, and it’ll probably be even worse the second time. I’m stupid, but I’m notthatstupid.”

This didn’t seem to be going Gabriel’s way. “I don’t think you’re stupid at all.”

“Gabe, I don’t…” Arthur sat down and put his face in his hands. “I can’t do this right now. I need time to think, I need space, I need—”

“You can have space,” Gabriel said. He was trying to speak normally around his very tight throat, and mostly failing. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“But that was always the problem,” Arthur said sadly. “I didn’t want to be left alone. I wanted you to barge into my room and demand to see me. I wanted… I wanted you to fight for me. Towantme. By the end it felt like I was always the one chasing you around, initiating everything, until I honestly thought I was just bothering you. I feltannoying, and I hate that, because I only want to be annoying on purpose. It was as if you were just with me sort of incidentally, and that once I stopped turning up where you were, it would be over. I was too scared to test the theory for ages, and then I did, and I was right. I stopped coming to see you, and that was that. And it broke my heart.”

“I know.” It felt rude to be crying. Arthur was the one whoshould have been crying. He stood up with an air of finality, and Gabriel watched him do it with undisguised longing.

Arthur cleared his throat. “I suppose I should say… I am grateful, that you said all this. I know it’s difficult for you. Thanks.”

“Please don’t thank me,” Gabriel said. “I don’t think I deserve it.”

“Well you wouldn’t, would you,” Arthur said, and then he shook his head, gave Gabriel one last look of bewilderment, and then turned and walked slowly back down the hill. Gabriel only let him have twenty paces of a head start before following him back to camp, because sitting alone on that rock as Arthur walked away from him had suddenly become the worst thing he could imagine in the whole world.

The party began to die down close to midnight; although everyone had rallied magnificently when Viv appeared, there was only so much the addition of a witch and lots of questionable wine could do to overcome weeks of travel exhaustion.

People started drifting away to their tents. Gabriel had already been hiding in his, lying perfectly still as his mind raced, but when he peered through the tent flap to see who was left, he discovered that Viv was alone by the fire, gathering up her things to leave.

“Hello,” he said warily. “Did… did anybody offer to walk you home?”

“I live here, alone, all year round. My neighbor is a sheep. His neighbor is a sheep. I do not need walking twenty minutes away.”

“All right,” Gabriel said. He spotted her shawl, draped over a rock, and handed it to her. “Thank you. It was… good. To meet you.”

“Mmm,” Viv said, throwing her shawl over her shoulders. “You tell Dustin he should visit Wales more often. He needs a break.”

“… Dustin?”

“Hurst! Merlin, you really haven’t got a clue!” She laughed. “Listen to me. You should have me executed for insubordination. But you won’t, will you? That’s okay. Execution should always be a last resort.”