Page 92 of Trouble

‘For the love of God, call me Ben.’

‘All right,’ Emily said. ‘Ben.’

The sound of his name on her lips seemed to have the same effect she’d experienced when he called herEmily, because he let slip a groan that made her feel reckless and stupid. Or – evenmorereckless and stupid, because nothing she was doing made sense. What could possibly be compelling her to put a hand to his jaw and tilt it up towards her so that she could kiss him, soft and slow, until he grew impatient, just like she hoped he would, and surged up to meet her properly? Why was she easing the jacket from his shoulders, and then unbuttoning his waistcoat, so that she could run her hands over his thin shirt and better feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest?

Captain Edwards –Ben– pulled back only so that he could kiss her lightly on the jaw, and then her neck, and she found herself tilting her head back and leaning into his hands, which were holding her fast by the waist.

‘Emily,’ he murmured, ‘you’re—’

‘Don’t,’ Emily said. ‘No words.’

‘But I—’

‘I can’t marry you,’ she said, in a breathy rush.

He stilled and moved to look up at her, his hair mussed, his eyes intent on hers; it was agony.

‘Then you should probably remove yourself from my lap.’

He didn’t let go of her waist, and she didn’t get up; they just looked at each other, at an impasse, neither willing to move an inch, until Emily shifted against him almost by accident and he responded with another low, involuntary noise that made her want toeathim.

His hand dropped to her thigh, and for a moment it was all she could feel – his palm on her skin, caught maddeningly between desperation and restraint.

It was baffling. It was intoxicating.

‘Do you really want me to leave?’ she said.

She knew hisbody’sanswer, if not his mind’s; he was leaning towards her even as he ordered her away, as if the message hadn’t managed to reach his limbs yet.

‘Obviously not,’ said Captain Edwards, very strained. ‘But I am not a .?.?. a thoughtless cad of twenty, who would shame you for the sake of my own lack of .?.?. ofdecency, and self-control.’

‘Not even if I asked you to?’ said Emily, letting her hand fall tohisthigh, ostensibly to steady herself, and enjoying the way his eyes closed for a moment as he gathered himself.

‘Not even if youbeggedme to.’

Emily sincerely doubted that this was the case. In fact, based on the look on his face, she rather thought he was trying to goad her into doing a little unseemly begging.

He would be left disappointed. She was not the begging type.

‘You are absurd,’ she said instead. ‘You should take what you want, when it’s so freely offered.’

‘Now you really are insulting me,’ Captain Edwards snapped back, ‘if you think me capable of being so cruel.’

The mood had shifted into familiar, aggravating territory, and Emily really did make to get up. She was stopped by the captain’s hands, which tightened on her waist so that he could hold her in place and kiss her again, fierce and fleeting, before he let her go.

‘Not even if I begged, was it not?’ Emily said, raising her eyebrows at him as he stared up at her from the bed, everything about him in utter disarray.

‘You are incorrigible.’

Emily neatened her dress and combed her hair back with her fingers, trying to at leastlooknonchalant and in control, even if she wasn’t either. She did not want to leave the room, because then it would all be over. None of this could exist in the real world, or at any respectable hour of the day; it was a strange, fleeting moment, and it was already gone. It felt so obvious, she was amazed he hadn’t realised that she had been trying to say goodbye.

‘I just .?.?. I don’t think it needs to be such a moralquandary. It could have been very simple.’

Captain Edwards shook his head, looking grave. Emily wanted to pull his shirt completely off and draw him down into the bedclothes. She wanted to shout at him until he saw sense. She wanted to run.

‘Whatever it was toyou,’ he said, ‘it could never have been simple for me.’

Chapter Thirty-One