Page 89 of Gwen and Art Are Not in Love

‘You have to let us in,’ Arthur said to the least threatening-looking guard.

His eyes darted sideways, and then he gave a minute shrug. ‘Can’t.’

‘Well, why not?’ Arthur asked, trying to look intimidating and probably only succeeding in looking a bit miffed.

‘You do not have access to the royal wing,’ said a different guard with an impressive moustache.

‘Under whose orders?’ Arthur demanded.

‘The princess,’ said the unthreatening guard; the moustachioed one narrowed his eyes at him, as if he’d said something he wasn’t supposed to.

‘Let me talk to her,’ Arthur said. ‘This is clearly a mistake, we’ll have it fixed in a—’

Two very sharp swords were suddenly within scratching distance of his chin.

‘Oi!’ Sidney said, pulling Arthur roughly backwards. ‘No need for any of that. We’ll be going.’

‘But,’ Arthur said, twisting in Sidney’s grip, ‘if they just—’

‘If you don’t come with me now,’ Sidney muttered sternly, ‘I’ll just walk off and leave you here. And you can’t really stand up on your own, so you’ll just flop straight over and lie here on the floor waggling your limbs in the air like a dying bee until someone else takes pity on you. So. You coming?’

‘Fine,’ Arthur said belligerently, allowing himself to be pulled away. ‘But – take me to the library.’

The library was apparently not included in the parts of the castle that had become mysteriously off-limits; there was, however, a pair of very listless guards standing at the door, which confirmed Arthur’s suspicions about who might be within.

‘I need you to distract them,’ he said to Sidney, ducking out of sight. ‘Just – get them away from the door, and I’ll slip inside.’

‘You’ll “slip inside”?’ Sidney scoffed. ‘You going to slither in on the floor like a snake?’

‘If needs must,’ Arthur said, with as much dignity as he could muster.

‘Fine,’ said Sidney, looking resigned. ‘Which distraction, do you reckon? Number four? Number six?’

‘Modified 1.5,’ Arthur said, grinning at him.

‘I hate modified 1.5,’ Sidney said darkly, but he gamely walked away. Arthur waited for a minute or two as he took the long way around, and then he reappeared at the far end of the hallway as if coming from the courtyard, and dramatically listed sideways, swearing and half collapsing to the ground.

‘All right down there?’ one of the guards called, clearly thrilled that something vaguely interesting was happening on his shift.

‘Oh God,’ Sidney moaned. ‘I don’t know, I don’t know – what sort of rash do you get if you have a lover’s disease?’

‘A lover’s …?’ the guard said, exchanging an amused look with his counterpart.

‘Just, I don’t know if you can get it, doing what we did – ohGod, it’s gone such an unnatural colour, I think it might be about to fall off—’

‘Falloff?’ Distraction 1.5 never failed; hilarious and disgusting human misery was too strong a lure. The guards glanced back into the library to check their charge was safely within, and then headed for Sidney, intent on seeing what may or may not be about to detach itself from his person.

Arthur didn’t have to slither into the room like a snake, but it did take rather a lot out of him to get through the door before they turned around. Once inside, he sloweddown, leaning on the shelves for support; he grappled his way towards the back corner, where a candle was burning low.

‘Boo,’ he said flatly, when Gabriel glanced up in alarm from the book he was reading. He looked dreadful – as ifhehad been the one ill in bed for over a month.

‘What are you doing?’ Gabriel said, closing the book and immediately looking around, as if for backup.

‘That’s a funny way of saying “Glad you’re not dead, Arthur”,’ Arthur replied, trying to steady himself as dark spots encroached on the corners of his vision.

‘You can’t be here,’ Gabriel snapped. It was so unexpected that Arthur’s mouth dropped open; he was unsure whether the pain in his lungs was due to overexertion or the fact that Gabriel was looking at him like he was some horrifying spectre.

‘Tell me what’s going on,’ he demanded; Gabriel stood up, and actually seemed to back away from him, further into his corner.