Page 62 of Gwen and Art Are Not in Love

‘Well,’ Arthur said, taking a breath before cocking an eyebrow at him. ‘That’s certainly a convenient excuse for running away from yourself, but I’m afraid I don’t buy it.’

‘What?’ He seemed to have shocked some of the anger out of Gabriel, whose mouth was hanging open.

‘There are ways to do both, you know. To be king and also have what you want. And besides, has it never occurred to you that being king means you’ll have the power tochangethings?’

‘No,’ Gabriel said, red-cheeked and frowning. ‘It’s notthat simple. And … it’s not what I want. Because I want to do thisright.’

‘I don’t necessarily think that’s true,’ Arthur said, getting up and taking a step towards Gabriel, who shrank away from him towards the desk. ‘I think it’s what you’ve told yourself you want, to make it hurt less when it’s all you get in the end. I think you’d rather try to make yourself into anidealthan accept that you are a real person, because it feels safe. You’ll still be you, even when you’re king. So what doyouwant to do with your one slightly dull but nonetheless precious life?’

Gabriel flinched. He opened his mouth and closed it again, and then gave it another try. ‘I thought you came here to talk to me about Gwen.’

‘Well, if it were reallyaboutGwen then I would have stayed on course, but I’m afraid it’s not at all, is it?’

‘How am I supposed to know what I want?’ Gabriel said quietly. ‘There’s only ever been room for what I’m … destined to have.’

Arthur sighed. If only both siblings could have had their crises in the same room, he could have halved the evening’s work. ‘Come on. You must have some idea about how you’d like to live your life. Very deep down, somewhere under about sixty layers of ink and parchment, you must have a beating heart.’

‘I don’t see how being rude to me is going to—’

‘Well, if you’d stop being soavoidantand just—’

‘Fine,’ Gabriel snapped, finally losing his temper. ‘Fine! If I got to choose … I’d like to do things differently. I’m not criticising my father, I’m not – I just think we have different priorities.’

‘Like?’ Arthur prompted.

‘Like … there’s this library at Tintagel Castle. It’s enormous. It houses the largest collection of books in England, including almost all of the remaining cultist texts, and there are academics who’ve been living and studying there all their lives. If it were my choice, I’d leave Camelot. I’d go there. And …’

‘And?’

‘It’s stupid.’

‘I’ll be the judge of that. I’m very familiar with stupidity.’

Gabriel sighed. ‘I want books to be available to everybody. Not just people like us. I want – I’d like to help educate people. To train academics at Tintagel, and send them out across England. Not just to … teach Latin and hymns to nobility. Do you know how few people can read and write in this country? I think – when people are given the chance to learn for themselves, they’re not forced to think that everything that happens to them is due to the whims of some higher power. They have real choices.’ He exhaled, half-terror, half-relief. ‘I’ve never told anybody that. Anybody other than Gwen.’

‘Well,’ Arthur said, briefly speechless for once. ‘That’s – that’sbrilliant.’

Gabriel looked irritated. ‘It’s not. It’s not how things are done, and it’s unrealistic and idealistic and … foolish.’

Arthur snorted. ‘It’s how thingscouldbe done, if you just told somebody about it.’

‘What happened to your arm?’ Gabriel said, as if Arthur hadn’t spoken.

Arthur glanced down, surprised at the question; he had managed to forget about it. Gwen’s bandage was unravelling, coming loose at the end. ‘I fell. Or – I think I did, anyway. It’s all a little hazy.’

Gabriel shook his head. ‘You’re a careless person, Arthur.’ Arthur liked how his name sounded in Gabriel’s mouth, even if his tone was weary. ‘That’s not who Gwen and I are. We’re careful. And – I don’t want things to be difficult for me, or my sister. I want her to be happy.’

‘I don’t think doing a difficult thing and being happy are mutually exclusive, Gabriel. I think you couldbothhave some of the things you want, if you’re brave enough to ask for them.’ He crossed his arms, feeling a bit combative. ‘Would I be invited to this giant library at Tintagel?’

Gabriel shrugged. He was leaning against his desk, fingertips pressing into the wood.

‘Are you really going to try to pretend that you haven’t thought about me atall?’

To Arthur’s great satisfaction, Gabriel blushed deep scarlet at this, and then shrugged again.

‘Come on. I’m waiting for a real answer. You can kiss me again while you consider it, if you think that might help swing it.’

The slightly choked sound Gabriel made at this was worth the risk Arthur had taken in saying it. It was starting to feel familiar to him now, how quickly Gabriel went from stern and distant to suddenly being very present – to seeming very aware of exactly how far apart they were standing from each other.