Page 46 of Gwen and Art Are Not in Love

‘Yes. I know.’

‘Well – I’ve never really liked anybody in that way. Not properly, anyway. But lately I’ve … lately there has been someone. A person. That I think about.’ Gabriel didn’t say anything. His face had closed off somewhat though, and Gwen was desperate to break back through. ‘For a long time I just tried to forget about it, but that’s become a lot harder lately. I want to tell you. But … I don’t want you to think any differently of me, or for it to change things between us. I couldn’t bear it.’

Silence.

‘It’s Lady – it’s Bridget. Bridget Leclair. That’s who I’ve been … thinking about.’

She had expected him to look surprised. Some part ofher had hoped that he might relax, and soften into a smile; that he had noticed something was distracting her, and would only be glad that the mystery was solved and that she had finally shared this part of herself with him. If Gabriel knew, andsawher, and didn’t mind, then it wouldn’t feel so wrong. It would ease some of the panic and regret she felt every time she thought about her mother patting her on the head and reassuring her that the horror ofladies who loved other ladieswould never darken Gwen’s door.

But Gabriel wasn’t smiling.

‘But …’ he said, breaking off and looking down at the table. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Sure? About what?’ Gwen said. Her throat felt strangely tight, her cheeks hot. ‘I don’t know how I can besureabout anything, when I don’t know what any of it means yet. But I do like her, Gabe. I have for a while. I know there’s nothing I can really do about it, and soon I’ll be married to Arthur with everything in its right place, but … that doesn’t stop it from being true.’

Gabriel took a deep breath. Gwen was still waiting for reassurance, but it didn’t come. Instead, Gabriel finally looked up at her with something that looked strangely like pain in his eyes.

‘I don’t think this is a good idea.’

‘What?’ Gwen felt like she had been slapped; the same shock, the same sharp sting, the ringing numbness that followed. ‘What do you mean? I know it’s not … ideal, but it’s not anideaI’ve had, I don’t actually think I have a choice in the matter—’

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t – I can’t hear this,’ Gabriel said,standing up. Gwen stared at him, tears burning behind her eyes; he shook his head once, a brief, terse movement, and then abruptly turned and walked from the balcony.

Gwen was left gazing after him, letting her tears fall freely as her chest tightened like a vice. She pressed her thumb hard into the bed of one of her nails, where the skin was red and inflamed from worrying at it. The pain throbbed there, but it didn’t help; the other hurt was far too big.

She made her way back to her rooms like a sleepwalker, and once inside saw that Agnes had returned; she hadn’t come back to their chambers the night before, and the sight of her tired and happy and a little dishevelled was suddenly all too much.

‘Where on earth have you been?’ Gwen snapped. ‘I had to dress myself, you know.’

‘Ah – sorry,’ Agnes said, blushing crimson. ‘I was at the party until quite late, and then I was … Sidney and I went for a walk.’

‘For Christ’s sake, Agnes, he’s abody-man. A common servant. Your position here is highly coveted by every noble lady at court, as you well know. Your father didn’t send you here to throw it all away on a man who – who always hassoupon his sleeves.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Agnes said again, before rushing away into the bedroom. Gwen sat down heavily in her reading chair, then picked up a book and stared at it, seeing nothing at all. She couldn’t tell which was winning out – her utter devastation at Gabriel’s lack of support, at the way he’d made her feel somonstrous, or the suspicion that shewasmonstrous; that it was somehow a dishonourable thing to look at Bridget theway she did, and that Gabriel was right to have reacted with revulsion. She wanted to scrub it all out. She wanted to take back everything she had said and go back to a time when she was still just the sister that Gabriel knew and loved, not this stranger he had looked at with such disappointment.

Shame. That was the feeling. She felt flooded with it, like it was curdling the blood in her veins and taking root in the pit of her stomach.

This is what comes of wanting things.

‘Do you … We could still go for our walk?’ Agnes said, creeping into the room ten minutes later.

‘It’s too late now.’

‘The weather is fair – there’s still plenty of time before lunch, we could—’

‘I said it’s too late!’ Gwen snapped. The day felt ruined.Everythingfelt ruined. Agnes was looking at her reproachfully, like a kicked dog, but it wasn’t making her feel more charitable; it was just making her want to kick harder. Everything came soeasilyto Agnes; she had a close cabal of friends, she was generally beloved at court, and now she had this new, ridiculous romance with Sidney. It just wasn’tfair.

They passed the next hour in stony silence, until there was a knock at the door; a guard had come to convey a message, and after hearing it, Agnes approached her tentatively.

‘He said …’ She screwed up her face, looking as if the contents of the message were entirely indecipherable. ‘He said a lady is here to take you down to the north-west courtyard? To – to teach you combat?’

‘OhChrist,’ Gwen breathed. After how things had gonewith Gabriel, she had entirely forgotten. The idea of facing Bridget now was almost unbearable, but she couldn’t turn her away when she had so graciously offered to give up her morning. ‘Tell them she’s allowed to come through.’

She glanced over at the mirror on the wall, taking in the hair she had braided inexpertly without Agnes’s help and the pinched expression on her face. It would have to do.

Gwen unclenched her jaw, took a deep breath and went to find Bridget.

She was standing a little way past the guards, in breeches and a loose shirt, ignoring the fact that they were all staring openly at her. Gwen suddenly felt ridiculously overdressed, even in a simple gown.