Page 166 of Let's Kiss and Tell

“It’s not because he was good—which he was—but I guess it was how Ifeltwhen I was with him. I’ve never felt that before,” I say and realize I’m now entering that phase in a therapy session where you reveal things that you would never say to anyone else, even if you’ve had too much to drink. The strange thing is, telling Ana—someone who has no stake in any of this, who won’t judge me—feels freeing. “And now the idea of sleeping with someone else or even kissing someone else feels almosttoointimate, and I don’t know, I just can’t stand the thought.”

“That makes sense, Lucy,” Ana says. “Once you’ve experienced that level of intimacy with someone, you create a connection with them. It’s not easy for everyone to revert to experiencing sex the same way.”

A part of me tenses up a little, not entirely sure if that’s what happened. “Wouldn’t experiencing sex in a new way make iteasierto have sex?”

“Not always,” Ana says. “It could be that you’ve finally found someone you want to be intimate with…and for the first time, it doesn’t involve sex. Lucy, maybe you don’twantto have sex.”

Ana’s words make me feel like I’m being suffocated and at the same time able to consume more air than I ever have. How can a statement terrify me and yet provide so much clarity?

“Did you like all of those things that came with being in a relationship?” Ana asks. “Or did you like it because it was withMarsh?”

The question stumps me. “I…I don’t know.”

“Lucy,” Ana says, “tell me how you feel aboutlove.Not the love for a friend or a family member, but how do you feel when you think about falling in love?” My skin prickles and my chest starts to feel tight. “You can take your time,” Ana says gently.

“Well…” I think. “People always talk about the exhilaration of falling in love. Not enough people talk about how terrifying it is. You’re giving your happiness to someone…Happiness that you’ve worked for years to find on your own. Happiness that isn’t dependent on another person. That happiness now belongs to someone else. You give them your mind, your heart, your secrets, your fears, your friends, your family, your time.” I wince. “What happens when they decide they don’t want it anymore? Not even just if they cheat or change their minds. What if you spend the next fifty years with this person and they leave this earth and take all of you with them? I guess that scares me.”

“Itisscary,” Ana agrees. “And you’re right, you are giving yourself to someone. But there’s also another side to what you’re feeling. Connecting with someone enough in this lifetime that you enjoy spending your time with andwantto give yourself to is rare. It doesn’t come along easily. Compatibility is only a small percentage of whether two people should pursue a relationship. It’s not as simple as saying,Hey, we’re both single and we’re attractedto one another, let’s be in love.For two people to feel the same about each other at the same point in their lives is special and it doesn’t have to be scary. We can go outside and get in an accident at any moment, but that doesn’t mean we stop living.”

“What if I lose myself?” I hear myself say out loud.

“In what way?”

“Falling in love with someone leads to abandoning yourself. I’ve seen it since I was a kid; pretending to like a certain video game because the boy in your class liked it, dying your hair purple because the barista you’re crushing on likes edgy girls, abandoning your business degree so you can stay at home with the kids.” I then think of my mom and how my entire life I thought that she made herself smaller for my dad. But it turns out she was completely and utterly herself and he loved her despite that. They both loved each other despite their mistakes. “I guess I used to think that to love someone, you have to lose a part of yourself to make room for them. But maybe real love is both of you being whole, together.”

Ana fixes her gaze on me like she knows there’s more that we’re going to have to talk about through our time together.

“You are the only person you’re going to be in a long-term relationship with,” she says. “That’s for certain. From what I know, you’ve already invested in yourself, Lucy. You’ve spent a lot of time making sure you’re committed to yourself and feeling secure in your own company. That’s the hardest part. Most people work years to attain that much later in life—afterthey find a partner. Then they realize that this secure person they’ve become doesn’t want to be with the person they chose years ago. Lucy, you’ve done the work and you’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to let someone else invest in you for once.”

Ana’s words don’t feel like a push-and-pull statement, somethingI can negotiate. I thread my fingers through one another and let her words sit.Maybe she’s right.

“You’re twenty-nine years old and you have a lot of experience when it comes to dating,” Ana continues. “Why did this one relationship with Marsh make such an impact?”

I think about the day Marsh and I were in San Franscisco. We were sitting in Russian Hill with our sundae, overlooking the sun setting across the water. Looking back, it was the turning point in our relationship. When we felt safe enough to let the other in on things we’ve never told another soul.

I remember what he said to me. I remember every word vividly.

“Because it hurt when it ended,” I say softly. “Not just a little, but a lot.”

So, This Is What Heartbreak Feels Like

By Lucy Reid

September 29

I started dating someone who changed my life. On some level, I think everyone we date changes our lives, but this was different. First off, I started dating this person for all the wrong reasons. I chose this person because I was selfish and because I knew that they could give me what I needed…but maybe that’s why we choose anyone at first. Maybe all relationships are incredibly one-sided at first until one day we realize we care more about the other person than we do ourselves. At least, that’s how it was for me.

This person made me better when I was with them. They made me laugh, they made me cry. They empowered me and they challenged me. They created ajudgment-free space for me to be my most authentic self: broken, messy, horny, and bitter. This person made me realize what I thought was the impossible: that I liked being with someone, opening up to them, being vulnerable. That’s hard for me.

They picked my heart up off a shelf that would have been unreachable for anyone else.

But they didn’t break my heart.

No, I broke it all on my own.

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