Page 165 of Let's Kiss and Tell

“Okay.” I take a deep inhale. Unpacking my parents’ relationship isn’t something I’m ready to do just yet. “I think what really prompted me to talk to you is that I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately.”

“Okay,” Ana says, signaling for me to continue.

“Look, I’m just going to say it: I like dating. I’m the kind of person that can sleep with someone with no strings attached,” I say with confidence because I’m not embarrassed by that fact. “And lately…I just can’t bring myself to. I don’t know why.”

“You can’t bring yourself to date? Or have sexual intercourse with anyone?” Ana asks.

“Both,” I answer. “I guess I just don’t have the desire to be with anyone. I know it doesn’t make sense.”

“There’s always a reason why we do the things we do, Lucy,” Ana says. “I’m here to help you understand that. Now, we can go slowly: Who was the last person you were intimate with?”

“Marsh,” I say. “But I don’t think he counts.”

“Who’s Marsh?”

“Oh.” I stop. “He’s, uh…he’s someone I was sort of in afake relationshipwith,” I say, and Ana looks at me like she most definitely needs me to expand that thought. “He’s someone who worksat my company—but we don’t worktogether.It sounds so stupid, it was for an article that I was writing about relationships…Given that I’ve never been in a serious relationship before, we had sort of an understanding. Pretty much I was going with him to his ex’s wedding, while he pretended to be my boyfriend. It sounds insane now that I’m explaining it, but it worked. It was mutual, we were on the same page and we just likereallygot each other. It was like the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

“What happened?”

“It ended? It ended badly. I left him at the wedding almost two weeks ago. We said some hurtful, but true, things to each other and haven’t spoken since—but the point of this isn’t about him. I know it’s over and I really do wish him the best.”

“You talked about not wanting to spend your time with someone…” Ana says. “Why was Marsh different? Why was it effortless?”

The question causes me to think.

“I think because it wasn’t real,” I say, coming to the realization myself. “We weren’tactuallyin a relationship.”

“In your opinion,” Ana says, “what does a relationship entail?”

“Being committed,” I tell her. “Being monogamous. Not just talking about your future together, meeting the important people in your lives, but doing all the mundane things people do together. Watching movies, running errands, not wearing makeup in front of the other person…” I laugh.

“Did you do those things with Marsh?”

“Yes,” I say dubiously. “But it was fake.”

“How was it fake?”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“How did you do all of those things: Watch movies, not wear makeup, talk about your future…but not really do them?”

“I mean, wediddo them…” I mumble. “But I don’t know…There was a mutual understanding that it was all for my stories.”

“So, what I’m understanding is that while you were doing all these things that came with being in a relationship, you found that you enjoyed itbecauseyou knew there wasn’t a real commitment there.”

“Exactly!” I gesture my hand to her. “But now I’m worried that’s somehow ruined my ability to have sex,” I say, knowing how ridiculous it sounds.

“Did you have sex with Marsh?”

I look down and pick a piece of lint off my jeans. “Yes.”

“What was sex with Marsh like?”

Shit.

“It was good,” I say, and Ana waits for me to continue. “It was great…Okay, it was like the best sex I’ve ever had,” I admit.

“And why is that?”