Page 162 of Let's Kiss and Tell

Oliver bobs his leg up and down vigorously like he’s waiting for something.

“You wanna talk about it?” Oliver says.

“Talk about what?” I ask.

“What happened at the wedding.”

It’s been one week since Julia’s wedding. After theincidentthat nobody has mustered up the courage to ask me more about until now, I said my goodbyes to my mom, Oliver, and Quinn. I said I didn’t want to talk about it and to not ask me.

I think about Lucy. Of course I do. I thought about her that entire weekend and debated whether I should chase her. But what’s the point of chasing someone who doesn’t ever want to be caught? On Monday I deleted our work message history so the little green icon next to her name wouldn’t taunt me at every waking hour. I haven’t read her column, and I washed my sheets two times over to make sure the smell of strawberries was gone.

“I have nothing to say about that.”

“Forget what actuallyhappenedat the wedding,” Oliver says. “Are you okay?”

It’s a loaded question. Yes, I guess I amokay.I’m here, I’m alive. But that’s not what anyone really means when they ask if you’re okay. This is the first time Oliver and I are having an honest conversation about what’s happened in the past year, and at this point, I don’t have it in me to sugarcoat anything.

“Is it bad if I say this hurts more than when things ended with Julia?”

“This is a safe space,” Oliver says softly.

“You know…” I start. “There’s a difference between being scared to lose someone you don’t knowhowto live without…and being scared to lose someone you don’twantto live without.”

With Julia, I didn’t know how to be on my own after it ended. I was with Julia in my most formative years and suddenly being my own person felt jarring. Like I was a baby deer learning how to walk. With Lucy, I don’twantto be alone. I think that’s scarier.

“Why don’t you try and talk to her then?” Oliver says.

“Lucy doesn’t want to be with me, Ollie,” I say because it’sthatsimple. There’s no trying to make it work or meeting in the middle. “That’s it. It’s over.”

“Yeah.” Oliver shakes his head. “I just…I don’t want the same thing to happen to you again.”

I frown. “What’s that?”

“You’re going to be more buried in work than you already are,” Oliver exclaims. “I mean, come on, seven stories a day?!”

“Five,” I correct him.

“Five, whatever.”

“Work is the only thing that’s keeping me sane,” I say.

“I think you’re using it as an excuse,” Oliver says like he’s been holding this back for more than just the duration of our conversation.

“An excuse for what?”

“Come on, I knew you were having problems with Julia ever since…” He stops, knowing that this topic is already veering into too sensitive of a place.

“Since the miscarriage,” I finish his sentence.

“That’s when it started,” he says. “You couldn’t deal with it and you buried yourself in your job. All you cared about was work and we barely saw you. It wasn’t even until we had Sadie that you lifted your head up and started being a brother.”

“Jesus, Ollie.”

“But you do this, Marsh…You did it then, you did it after you broke up with Julia, you’re doing it now. It’s like you aren’t even a person without your job.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Marsh,” Oliver says seriously. “If you got laid off tomorrow, what would you do?”