Page 159 of Let's Kiss and Tell
“Then you end up with nobody.”
“And you’d be okay with that?” I run a hand through my hair and watch her pair up socks. “If I just ended up with nobody?”
“I don’twantyou to be alone for the rest of your life, Luce,” she says. “But if that’s what makes you happy, then I’m happy.”
It’s a progressive answer coming from my mother, and I’m a little confused.
“What about getting married and settling down?” I ask, amused. “Having kids?”
“Well, when you were younger, yes, of course. I think that’s what any mother would want for their child. But you’re so against it, and who am I to tell you how to live your life?”
“But…” I frown, processing this new perspective on life. Well, at least new tome.“Never mind.”
“What?” She takes a pile of folded underwear and brings it over to a drawer on the other side of the bed.
“Nothing.”
“What?” my mom repeats.
“I just…” I struggle with how to phrase what I’m thinking. “I just thought you always had an old-fashioned view on that stuff. Like marriage and kids…and staying with your partner no matter what.”
My mom lets out a laugh like what I said is the most naïve thing that’s ever come out of my mouth. “What do you think this is? The fifties?”
“Then why did you stay with Dad?” I ask, and the room suddenly feels a little colder.
It’s a topic that we haven’t dared touch in over ten years. The last time we spoke about what happened I was a moody teenager full of confusion, anger, and hurt. I didn’t know who I was. I most certainly didn’t have opinions on what makes a successful marriage other than you love each other and only each other until the day you die. I’ll admit, I wasn’t built for a productive conversation back then, but now I want to have that conversation. I want to understand what happened.
“What do you mean?” my mom says.
“Why did you stay with him?” I repeat. “After everything with…that woman?”
My mom’s face hardens in real time. Maybe she forgot I knew. Maybe she forgotsheknew. Perhaps I just undid what took over a decade of healing with a single question. But she swallows and answers my question.
“Because I wanted to,” she says. “Because I love him.”
Her tone feels different about the situation now than it did years ago. Less defensive, less hurt. Or maybe I’m just more open to hearing what she has to say.
“You didn’t stay with him because you felt like you had to for our family?” I prod, knowing that’s the reason. “Or that it was the right thing to do? Or that it would just be easier to stay with him than leave him?”
My mom takes a seat at the foot of her bed to face me. “Honey, we’ve had this conversation before. What’s this about?”
“I know.” I try to ease my flurry of emotions. “And I know you said back then that you love him, but I’m not a kid anymore. You can tell me the truth. Just be honest with me.It’s okay.”
“Luce, I am telling you the truth…and I told you the truth back then too.” My mom’s face becomes somber.
I try to play back the events of that day, from many years ago, although it’s difficult. So much of that conversation I tried to block out, and what I do remember now feels like a puzzle. A puzzle I’m trying to piece together but I don’t know what the final picture looks like.
“Lucy.” My mom looks at me like I’m just a child who still has so much to learn. “There are so many things about what happened that you don’t know. It’s not black or white.”
“Like what…” I say slowly. What more could there possibly be?
My mom looks up and lets out a laugh. “Are we really going to talk about this right now?”
“Yes, Mom,” I insist. “I want to know what happened. I need to understand. Please.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to open up that door again.” My mom stands and walks back to her pile of clothing. “It was so long ago.”
“I just need to know why you stayed with him,” I finally say. “How can you let someone do something like that to you? Be unfaithful,lie to you,and you just let him get away with it? How canyou let Dad cheat on you and just stay with him as if nothing happened—”
