Page 156 of Let's Kiss and Tell

Lucy

The next two and a half hours feel like a dream. As I drive through the dark desert, all I can think of is Marsh’s face, so full of anguish. How hurt he was, how desperate he was for me to say what he wanted to hear. Maybe things could have played out differently. Maybe I could have caved in, cried in his arms saying I’m scared, and he’d have told me it doesn’t matter because as long as we have each other, we’ll be okay.

But that’s not me and that’s not us.

Maybe Ididuse my career as an excuse, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not looking for a lifelong commitment or a happily ever after. I’m the kind of person who believes that yes, cheating or being cheated on is sad, but almost inevitable. I’m the kind of person who isn’t scandalized by the thought of a couple who’s been together for fifty years falling out of love. I’m the kind of person who believes the most impactful relationships of your life are the ones that were one-sided. That you learn more about yourself when you’re on your own. That relationships are for people who don’t know how to be independent.

When I finally see the signs for Los Angeles, I think of whatI’ve left behind. Something so scary and complex. A maze that I would be trying to navigate my entire life. People like Julia think they’ve solved the maze; instead, they’ve opened a door to another one. People like my parents think they solved the maze; instead, they’re wandering around aimlessly, living in it together but not working together. People like Marsh will forever be stuck in that maze, suffocated by its hedges, waiting for someone to pull them out. I’m alone, watching from the outside, but at least I can breathe.

“Are you okay?” Jonah gives me another hug.

I took a work-from-home day and brought In-N-Out and Levain cookies to Jonah’s place for lunch. He and his husband rent a Spanish-style duplex in Silver Lake, so we sit on his patio and stuff our faces with carbs. We spent the first hour talking about how he sees being laid off as a sign from the universe…I am not as optimistic. Now we’re at the point in the conversation where Jonah refuses to talk about anything other thanmyweekend.

“I’m fine.” I look at him through my sunglasses. “I’m just worried about what I’m going to do for the column. I’m thinking I write a few more stories and then create a breakup. It’ll be hard, but I should be able to keep the momentum up until the end of the quarter.”

There’s a look of concern on Jonah’s face. “Girl, that’s not what I meant.”

“Jonah, I’mfine.Marsh and I weren’t even really together. We both knew it was going to end anyway.”

He clicks his tongue. “This isn’t because of Shanna and Sam, is it? Because you’re right, maybe nobody would find out and maybe Eman wouldn’t care.”

“No.” I shake my head. “That’s beside the point.”

“So then why did you break it off?”

“Because.” I sigh. “I don’t want anything serious. I don’t get why men can say it all the time and nobody bats an eye, but whenIsay it, there’s something wrong with me. It’s just not something I’m looking for right now.”

“Or ever,” Jonah adds.

“Why are you saying that like it’s a bad thing?” I frown. “There are people who don’t want kids or don’t want to get married…How is this any different?”

“Maybe it’s not different,” Jonah responds, shrugging. “I know you have this principle on how you feel about relationships, and I get that. But at a certain point, what are you trying to prove, Luce?”

“I’m not trying to prove anything.”

“I am one of your best friends,” Jonah says earnestly. “I will literally support you with any decision—”

“It sounds like you’re doing the opposite right now,” I say, breaking a piece off a chocolate chip cookie.

“I just want to understandwhyyou’re making certain decisions. You said theL word…” He looks at me with conviction. “This isn’t just another breakup, no matter how much you convince yourself it is. What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid of anything,” I say louder than I anticipated. “I’m tired of being told that I’m afraid of something.”

“Then why won’t you let yourself love him?”

I know it’s simply a question, not an accusation, but I still feel tense either way.

“Why do I have to succumb to this idea—thisword? So what if I started falling in love with him?”

“Because being in love is amazing,” Jonah says. “I’m sorry, but it is. Did you know that before we met, I would go on dates with adifferent man every week? I swore off dating for like a year because it wasn’t fun anymore, I felt like shit.”

“You never told me that,” I say. He was already with Elijah when I started working atThe Rue,and out of respect I didn’t want to ask about his past dating history.

“I literally was not looking for anything and then met Elijah at a dog park,” he says, andthatpart I knew because it’s the best meet-cute ever. “Luce, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but before you know it you justfallfor someone and being with them makes more sense than not being with them. Nothing else in the world matters except you and that person. Jokes feel funnier, food tastes better, the world doesn’t feel like it’s burning. You picture your life with that person and suddenly, you’re living on a different frequency.” He looks at me. “And sometimes it’s awful. When you’re in that phase where you don’t know how they feel, or when you realize they don’t love you back. That’s the worst feeling in the world. Heartbreak is unbearable, but once you’re on the other side of it, you’re stronger than you’ve ever imagined. So, yeah, Lucy. Love isn’t anidea,it’s very fucking real, and it’s really fucking amazing.”

Jonah waits for me to say something, but I don’t know how to respond.

“I…” I start, choosing my words carefully. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”