Page 108 of Let's Kiss and Tell

“W-what?”

I should’ve told Lucy earlier. But it’s like every opportunity I had it felt like this giant embarrassment, an undeniable failure, and I didn’t want her to see me differently.

“She cheated on me with Chad,” I say slowly, remembering how it all went down. “It was a Tuesday evening. I came home from work, and I forgot it was our anniversary. I had so many deadlines that week that I just forgot. She was sitting in the living room on the couch, and when I didn’t say anything she told me she slept with Chad. I didn’t even know who the fuck Chad was, butshe told me that he was the brother of one of the other teachers she works with, and that he had always been asking her out. She said it was only once,” I recall, thinking about that conversation. “At first, she said it to spite me, like she wanted me to be jealous more than anything, and then it turned to tears and her saying she was sorry and that she made a mistake. She told me it would never happen again and that she loved me and she was just so frustrated…”

“Marsh…” Lucy’s fragile voice cuts through my thoughts, her tone growing into disbelief. “Marsh…Jesus.”

“I couldn’t even look at her.” My stomach churns at the memory. “I ended it right then and there and I didn’t think twice about it. In a way, I think I was maybe looking for an excuse to end it,” I say. “Isn’t that what the old adage tells us? That infidelity isn’t the problem; it’s just a sign that there was already a problem.”

“Still…” Lucy says. “I can’t imagine how you felt in that moment.”

“I was numb. If that makes sense.”

“Yeah.” Lucy nods like she does understand what I mean, and more important, like it’s not a bad thing that I was numb. “Did she tell you why?”

“Oh yeah,” I say remembering vividly. “One, I took her for granted. Two, I was more focused on my job than anything else. Three, I cared more about writing than her.”

“What a little—”

“She was right,” I say. “She was absolutely right and I can’t even deny it.”

“Do you resent work?” Lucy asks.

“Never,” I answer immediately. “This might sound awful, but in a way, writing is my first love.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Lucy tells me.

“I wasn’t always like this, though,” I say softly. “It startedafter…after the miscarriage.” I look over at Lucy and she’s listening intently. “Looking back now I guess you could say that was the beginning of the end. After we lost Clementine, I just couldn’t handle it. I was heartbroken and I couldn’t bear the thought of going through it again. So, I got the vasectomy, and at first Julia understood. We were on the same page until one day we weren’t. She moved past it when I couldn’t. She wanted to try again, and I used work as an excuse. I kept telling her I was busy with deadlines and assignments to distract myself, until one day it was my reality, and work was all I cared about.”

For a moment we sit in silence. Nothing but the sound of far-off chatter around us, Top 40 music playing from speakers near the ice-cream shop, and the rippling of water in the distance.

“Your family doesn’t know what happened, do they?” Lucy says.

My eyes spot Alcatraz, and I feel a strange connection to the prison floating in the middle of the water. A lonely island full of regret and sorrow surrounded by a world of laughter.

“No, none of it.” My voice rasps. “Call it pride, but I didn’t want them knowing she cheated on me. I asked Julia to keep it to herself, and she was so ashamed too that she also didn’t want anyone to know. So, we agreed to not say anything.”

“Even Oliver?” Lucy asks, and my silence is enough of an answer. “Then what do they think happened?”

“We just said it wasn’t working out. Along the way the narrative was that I ended it and somehow broke Julia’s heart…leading her into the arms of Chad.” I rub the bridge of my nose.

“God,” Lucy groans. “Well, now I get why you wanted a date to her wedding. It’s just easier for people to think you’ve both moved on.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly, fully aware of what a shit show this whole thing has become. “Just let her get married, show everyone I’m happy, put all of this to rest.”

“Are you mad at her?” she asks.

“At first I was mad because I thought she found a new me—a better version of me,” I say. “But I realized she’s not out there reliving our relationship with a different person…She needed anewrelationship with someone else.”

Lucy gapes. “Yeah, but Marsh, that’s almostten years.”

“I remember hearing somewhere that nobody should have the power to ruin your life by breaking up with you. If they do, something is wrong,” I say. “ButI do think it should hurt. Not just a little, but a lot.”

“It didn’t hurt?” Lucy frowns, and I hang my head low, shaking it. “Maybe that’s a good thing,” she says softly. “Maybe that’s how you know it wasn’t supposed to work out.”

“Yeah,” I say and let that sit.

Lucy looks at me consolingly, but she doesn’t feel sorry for me. If she felt sorry for me, I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. Instead, she just smiles. She smiles that goddamn smile of hers that makes me feel like things are actually okay for some reason.