Page 100 of The Witch Queen

“As I am?” she asks. Embarrassment warms my face, but I don’t take it back. “I know you believe the worst of me.”

Just a week ago, I wholeheartedly agreed. Now…

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” I mutter.

Quiet settles between us. An owl hoots in the distance.

“For what it’s worth,” Ayleth begins carefully, “I don’t think your aunt intended to hurt you with her actions.”

I snort a laugh. “Are you defending her?”

“Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are,” she says wryly. “And I wouldn’t saydefending.But…you’re right. Court can bring out the worst in people.”

I slide her a sideways glance. “Are you speaking about yourself?”

“Perhaps,” she admits stiffly. “At times.”

“Like when?” I ask.

She hesitates. Wind stirs the dry leaves on the ground.

“I certainly haven’t made the best decisions where you’re concerned,” she says at last. “I assumed that you preferred your life with your aunt. But you were right. I should have invited you home. Or at least have given you the opportunity to tell me what you wanted.”

I blink, surprised by her honesty. Maybe Verity wasn’t entirely wrong about Ayleth. Perhaps she does regret the past. And I’m not sure if it’s due to Ayleth’s openness or simply the weight of this awful night, but a confession of my own bubbles up from the pit of my stomach.

“You were right, as well,” I say. “At the pall-mall game. What you said about me visiting Papa. Or menotvisiting him.”

Her lips slacken. “Oh, Blodwyn. I—”

I hold up my hand. “It was true. I haven’t returned to his chambers at all. I told myself it was because it was too difficult to see him that way. Or that I didn’t have time with the trials.”

“That’s understandable,” Ayleth says, not unkindly.

I shake my head. “It’s not. That’s why I was so angry with Aunt Margaret. Not just because of her costume, but because it reminded me of how much I’ve ignored Papa. On purpose.”

“Blodwyn, I’m sure—”

“You’re not listening,” I interrupt. “When I thought it was Papa who stepped into the hall tonight, I didn’t feel love or relief. I wasafraid.I didn’t want him to be there. It makes me horrible, I know, but sometimes…sometimes I think I don’t want him to wake up at all. That I even hate him.”

The admission tastes bitter. But I feel lighter after it leaves my lips. I don’t think I realized how heavy it was to carry around.

“Why?” Ayleth asks gently.

“For the way he treated Mother.” But that isn’t as true as what comes next. “For having me at all.”

Cursed,that voice whispers.

A crow calls overhead and Ayleth glances in that direction.

“I don’t think you’re horrible,” she says. “In fact, I know how you feel.”

“How could you?”

Ayleth hesitates before answering. “My own mother was…demanding, to say the least. Especially when it came to me.”

“Your mother?” I ask. “I thought you lived at a Sanctum.”

“I still had a mother,” she says with a small laugh. “One who was…Well, our relationship was strained. She wanted me to become someone I wasn’t. Punished me when I couldn’t live up to her expectations. There weremanytimes when I wished she’d never had me. Or when Ithought there was something wrong with me. Something that kept her from loving me the way that I was.”