Page 20 of The One Where They Fall in Love

“New York? It’s not your favorite?” She seems a bit stunned by this.

“I don’t have anything against the city itself. I just never thought I’d live here again. I don’t exactly have many positive memories of this place.”

“Would you moving away have anything to do with your relationship with your dad?” she asks, looking up at me.

“It might,” I admit, feeling suddenly very uncomfortable with how intimate this morning’s conversations have been. Elle reminds me of Henry: intuitive in a way that makes you trust them easily. Thoughtful enough to consider what I’m thinking. She has this demeanor that makes you want to talk to her. And that’s saying something coming from me. I don’t know why Elle brings this out of me. This morning, she’s gotten me to talk more than I have to anyone in months, except maybe Henry or Sophia. And she doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to be super invasive. It’s just how she is.

“So did you really want to be a doctor? Or you just followed that path because you felt like you had no other choice?”

Intuitive, alright.

“My parents are both doctors. My dad is a surgeon. I’ve always been destined to be the next Dr. Cole. It was understood,” I explain, monotonous.

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“I like some parts of medicine,” I say, begrudgingly. “But maybe I wouldn’t have chosen this exact path for myself, if I had a choice.” I’m surprised that I admitted that out loud, but Elle is removed from that side of my life. I can admit that truth to her without it getting back to my father. I know that’s a ridiculous way to think, but it’s like my brain is wired to screen every conversation for the possibility of it somehow reaching him.

Elle doesn’t have a chance to respond because someone is calling my name from down the block. We come to a stop at the corner of Columbus Avenue and I see Henry jogging across the street towards us. He’s wearing shorts, even though it’s freezing out, and a hooded sweatshirt with the name of the gym sprawled across the front. His gym is back the other way, so I’m not sure what he’s doing heading towards the park this early in the morning.

“Hey man,” I say, stuffing my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. “I didn’t know you got up this early.”

Henry chuckles. “I hate to, but owning a business does that.”

“Your business is in the opposite direction, dumbass.”

“Yes, but thecoffeeI need to be able to survive at said business is this way,” he says, pointing behind me and Elle. “And now that the interrogation is over, maybe you could introduce me to your lovely friend here.” He flashes a smile, turning on the charm for Elle. I ignore the weird sensation that sparks in my chest.

“Friendis a strong word,” Elle replies. “I’m Elle, Oliver’s neighbor and sworn enemy.” She puts her hand out for Henry to shake, and he holds on to it for a moment too long. Elle gives him a shy smile.

“Oh, soyou’rethe neighbor,” Henry says giddily, eyeing me.

Elle looks between us warily. “You’re spreading your hatred of me to others?”

“Only a little bit.” I shrug.

Henry is still holding her hand. When he sees me eyeing it, he lets go. “Well, I have to run. It was nice to meet you, Elle. And if you ever want to get away from this guy, makesure to hit me up.” He winks as he pats Elle’s shoulder and walks past us. “Later, Ollie.”

Ollie?Elle mouths at me, a grin on her lips.

I resist the urge to follow Henry and punch him in the face.

I cross the street, Elle trailing behind. Thor is in a mini-run to keep up with my long legs.

“Well, he was adorable,” Elle says once Henry’s out of earshot.

“I’m not sure if that’s the word I’d use,” I grumble. I need to get a hold of myself. Or at the very least, I need to get out of Elle’s orbit and give myself a second to think. Elle told me she believes in happily ever after, I pretty much shot her down, and then Henry hits on her. How the fuck did all that happen before breakfast?

I didn’t lie to Elle. I didn’t say I don’tbelievein happily ever after. I said they don’t work out for me. And I certainly can’t imagine one for myself anytime in the near future. Which is the truth. Every relationship, oralmostevery relationship, I’ve been in has ended because I somehow mess it up. A lot of people don’t understand that OCD is more than wanting everything to be neat and tidy. It’s a compulsion to do certain things and think a certain way. It’s thoughts that break into your brain—thoughts that someone without OCD would never have. It’s driving through the same intersection every day on your way to work, and picturing being T-boned by a car coming the other way. It’s washing your hands quickly and then thinking that if you don’t wash them again, for the full twenty seconds this time, you’ll get sick. It’s having a bad day and imagining harming yourself. Not because you would, but because that’s what OCD does. It twists you inways that you didn’t know you could bend.

My OCD makes me rigid. I think in black and white, and I’m logical to a fault. I can’t understand why my sister would adopt a dog and then fly halfway across the world. That’s not rational. It’s why I haven’t spoken to her in a few weeks. I avoid things that don’t make sense to me.

A relationship that lasts a lifetime makes sense to me. My parents, specifically my father, may be difficult, but a stable marriage is what I’ve been exposed to my entire life. Commitment doesn’t scare me. But I just feellostright now. I’m living in the most stressful city in the world, in a state I swore I would never step foot in again, and my job is quickly destroying me. It’s only been a few weeks, and I don’t know how I’ll keep this up for three more years. Nothing in my life feels stable right now, so I can’t imagine trying to maintain a relationship on top of everything else.

Which is why, when I look at Elle—this bubbly, interesting, vibrant person—I can’t see a future with her. Because I’ll ruin it. I’m not sure how, but I will. I always do.

Plus, I don’t even know if I like Elle likethat. It seems like we’ve gotten past the nemesis-neighbor stage, and she’s so easy to talk to. Of course, I’m grateful for her offering to look after Thor. But just because I shared a bit about myself, that doesn’t mean she knows me. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be actual friends, or anything more, for that matter.

So why does the idea of Henry making a move on her make me feel nauseous?