Page 72 of I Hope This Finds You Well

Cliff says, “Will you tell me what happened?”

I keep my face turned toward the window. “I told you, something I ate.”

I can feel his eyes drift to the side of my face. They pull me in like a magnet. It’s dark outside, but the streetlights are reflecting through the windshield and casting a glow around the back of his head; the tips of his golden hair shine.

“You’re lying,” he says, gentle but adamant. “I know you.”

I swallow. I know he does.

How can someone saying he knows me feel like everything?

I close my eyes, pressing my temple against the cool glass of the passenger-side window. “I just ran into someone at the party from my old town.”

“Did they do something to upset you?” he asks quietly.

“No,” I say. “I just got... I don’t know. Can we not talk about it?”

Cliff’s quiet for a long moment. “Okay,” he finally says.

I peek an eye open, and he’s driving steadily, staring out at the street. I watch the glare of the streetlights as they move across his face, casting him in light and shadow.

By the time we make it to my street and pull up in front of my building, the silence has become so thick and heavy. Cliff puts the car in park and his hand lingers on the gear shift awkwardly. His jaw is tight, like he’s physically holding himself back from saying something.

My insides flip. I’ve cut so many people out. Everyone. But I don’t want to do that with him.

The words tumble out all at once. “I used to have a friend, but something bad happened to her and she’s gone.”

Cliff’s eyes shoot toward mine. He waits.

I keep going, my voice shaking. “I used to be just like I am, but worse, but also so much better. I guess I just... After she died, I just never really figured out how to be a person again. That’s it. That’s the problem.”

I feel Cliff shift beside me. “Jolene—”

I shake my head, gasping. “I thought it would go away. I thought if I waited, one day it wouldn’t hurt anymore. But time has passed—it’s passed so much—and I’ve only become worse.”

My words crush through me as I dare a look at him. His eyes catch me and hold me. All my skin burns. How can people look at each other in the eyes so easily? I can never look at him again.

“I know I’m not supposed to think like this. It just feels like everyone else is moving forward with their lives, but I’m trapped behind this glass dome that no one can see through.”

Cliff’s voice is so soft. “I can see through. I see you.”

His hand lifts off the gear shift and grabs mine from my lap, pulling it down onto the console between us. The warmth of his palm cupping mine thaws my stiff muscles, and I fall slack against the car seat. This feels like I can be okay for now. Something, a word or a thought, catches in my throat.

“Jolene,” Cliff begins haltingly. “You can’t see it now, but I hope soon you do. You’re understandable—I understand...”

He pauses, looking at me thoughtfully as he rubs his chin with his free hand. The scraping of his fingers against his stubble is the only sound in the world.

“Since the day you walked into the boardroom for that first meeting...” He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple jumping in his throat. “Your email that was both horrible and perfect. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve wanted to be in on the joke with you since the start.”

I glance up and there’s something behind his eyes; it’s been there forever yet feels brand new. His hand tightens around mine, and for once—for the first time in years—my brain turns off. There’s only feeling—a charge fluttering through me, pulsing from where his skin meets mine. It feels so good to be known by someone, to be seen, to be touched. And I want more of it.

I lean toward him, and it’s so simple. His face is already angled toward me, and I slot my lips against his. Dimly I’m aware that he’s not exactly moving against me, but he’s not leaning away either. He’s soft and warm, and I nudge a little closer. It’s been a really long time since I’ve done this. My lips part against his slightly, and an embarrassing little sound escapes my mouth.

And then he lets out a tiny groan, and it’s like a dam breaks. His hands wrap around my shoulders and pull me toward him, his face pressing harder against mine. It’s hungry, and he’s everywhere, hands on my back and in my hair and on my waist.

It’s so good, but somehow not enough. I scramble for my seat belt and hear the satisfying click as it goes loose, so I can lean more across the console.

At the sound, Cliff suddenly goes tense, his lips freezing against mine. My whole body stiffens against my will.