Page 54 of I Hope This Finds You Well

Armin:Of course.

How could I forget: this job is all I have. And if there’s still a chance to save it, I need to give it everything.

So I spend the lunch hour working on a plan for the conference tomorrow. Because if I can just speak, I could beat her. I have enough information sitting on my lap in these emails. I could come up with something even better if I dig through it all.

When Caitlin returns from her celebratory lunch with Marla, Garret, and Joy, I don’t look up. I’ll need the whole afternoon to pull something together this quickly. Maybe the whole night.

I don’t pay much attention when Rhonda sends Gregory a complaint that Caitlin and Armin are on their phones too much this afternoon.

Or note that my own phone sits silent as a paperweight.

Cliff drives me home again, but I mostly just hum in agreement as he speaks, because my mind is flooding with all the information I’ve consumed. As soon as I get inside my apartment, I pull out my laptop and continue to prepare the presentation. I even figure out how to use a custom template to make it look nice. I read it over and over to check the spelling. Then I practice speaking in front of the mirror like I have nothing better to do. When I’m too tired to function anymore, I drop onto my bed and watch comedy skits on my phone. And I laugh withoutactuallylaughing. There’s no point when you’re all alone.

Throughout the night, I have several panicked nightmares about the conference. I hope I don’t forget to wear clothes tomorrow. I need it to go perfect.

Can’t Keep Meetings Like This

We’re all piled into the big boardroom on the fifth floor, and we’ve sat here long enough that the sharp cologne Jean Adler’s been dabbing into his neck since, like, 1984 has all but disappeared.

All the beady freaking eyes face forward; this room feels more like a stadium. I twist the metal water bottle sitting on my lap in my clammy hands and try to steady my breath.

Cliff is sitting at the end of the largest table next to mine. He’s got his notepad out, and the way his pen is moving, I’d bet big money that he’s doodling. But when I tried to squint and see earlier, he caught me peeking and smiled.

Armin had his HR meeting earlier today. When he returned, he DMed me:Went well for you. Didn’t tell him about my mom.And as relieved as I was that he vouched for me, it hit even harder that he confided that.

Gregory is standing at the front of the room, listing off a new policy that has already been emailed company-wide several times. Rhonda nods, smiling way too hard. She’s propped herself front and center at the table to take meeting minutes that nobody asked for. She’ll likely file them away in some cabinet afterward, never to be seen again.

My mind feels like it’s literally shaking in my skull. All the words I’m going to try to say replay over each other in discordant nonsense. I wish I could see Cliff’s cat sketches from here.

Gregory claps his hands once as he shifts topics. It seems like he’s close to wrapping up. “Before we go, it’s time for the ideas and opinions session. I myself have been brainstorming an exciting incentive program”—he pauses to raise his brows enticingly—“But I’d love to hear any thoughts you’ve all been tinkering with first.”

All the expressions remain neutral and uninspired by this, except for Caitlin, who nods way too hard.

We start with two suggestions from supply chain people that have already been suggested a dozen times before. With each passing comment, every tick of the clock, my skin tightens and cools. I look around the table and try to decipher if anyone will be sympathetic should I faint in the middle of the room when my brain snaps from nerves.

Larry stands, shiny sheen on his forehead, armpits darkened and heavy from perspiration.

“Good god,”comes from some unknown voice in the back.

My breath halts in involuntary sympathy as he clears his throat. “I think we should implement some type of town hall meeting every now and then to really form a cohesive office.” He stares at Gregory, an intense smile pointed toward him like an attack. “We could share ideas and go over some of the bigger elements that affect multiple departments.”

Did he just suggest the very thing we’re doing? My eyes draw to Cliff, who is wincing and nodding along. He writes something down, lips pressed together.

Larry grins like he really said something there and lingers while a tumbleweed passes. Finally, Greg mutters, “Thank you.” Larry retreats to his seat.

Taking advantage of the opening, Caitlin juts out her chin. “I was thinking we could sort information going to other departments into categories to better streamline.” She stands up and begins passing around photocopied pages of her plan. “I’ve got a list of areas this would optimize and prevent lost communication.”

A few people in marketing nod enthusiastically. Gregory looks at her document and does his version of a smile.

It’s an unfortunate win for her. She raises her eyebrows toward Garret in silent celebration.

But Joy mutters, “What about the chain to invoicing?”

“Ah yes, well, I’ve designed a—” Her phone dings and she pulls it from her back pocket, tapping it. “Sorry, forgot to silence.” Her brows crease together. “Where was I? I meant I’ve made a plan for...” Her eyes float across the table until they catch on me. I divert from her gaze, and she blinks several times. “That’s something I’m working to incorporateas well. Thanks.” Her voice is meek, her entire aura suddenly smaller as she makes her way back to her mesh boardroom seat.

Gregory clears his throat. “Any more suggestions after Caitlin’s helpful one?” He looks pointedly at Larry.

I have to speak. I’ve prepared for it. I need to just. Do. It. I suck in a breath that is way too tight and hot.