Page 22 of I Hope This Finds You Well

April 17: 27-minute conversation in copy room: various people

April 20: Spent 17 mins staring at screensaver. Also 14 mins staring at his own hands.

April 25: Morning researching all-season tires

April 27: Detoured on way to bathroom to have 12-minute conversation with Larry Goodwin

Is she tracking someone’s schedule? As if on cue, she turns abruptly, sweeps her hands together, and declares, “There, so much fresher.” She riffles through the Rolodex she’s been using since Bob Barker was a baby, a dreadful indication that she’s about to make a loud phone call that most certainly should be an email. And of course, Rhonda yells into her receiver, “Hello, Marianne! How’s things?”

She cackles at whatever Marianne’s response was, then narrows her eyes as Armin stumbles to his desk. He’s all giant headphones, bass blaring, with hair still wet and some generic “fresh” men’s body wash scent stinking up the air around us. His eyes are red and puffy, like he just opened them from a sleepless night two seconds ago.

Rhonda looks him up and down, leans over her computer, and starts typing something.

And oh my shit, Rhonda’s tracking every time Armin dicks around. Unsettling, yet painfully on brand.

I sip my gas station coffee, which I’m sure tastes just the same asCaitlin’s even if it hasn’t been jazzed up by a mug or backdrop, when a DM pops up from Caitlin to Garret.

Caitlin:I’m going to commit murder—is it too early for that?

Garret:You’re asking the wrong guy for legal advice. Who’s the victim?

Caitlin:Larry Goodwin just refilled his water bottle, and when he realized the cooler needed changing, he walked away. Am I supposed to do a menial task to stay hydrated?

Garret:I see. Yes, you could murder him and see if that helps?

Caitlin:Haha. Btw, do you know what the deal is with the new HR guy? Larry told Armin he was some corporate spy.

Garret:TBH I don’t know too much at the moment, but Gregory said to “expect change.” And we might have meetings with him.

Caitlin:Meetings? For what?

Garret:Usually it’s to review roles and hear how people work as a team. Off the record: it’s a good time to bring up any interpersonal issues. That usually helps their... “process.”

I stare straight forward at the screen, but I physically feel Caitlin’s eyes draw to me, the heat of them burning against my cheek like lasers.

Caitlin:Well, that is good to know! I certainly have a long list.

Garret:I wouldn’t bring up the Jolene email thing since it’s been dealt with. It may give off the wrong tone for what you want to present.

Caitlin:Ugh. I guess. We gotta convince Armin to talk. It’s crazy her DM wasn’t enough to sufficiently creep him out.

Garret:Oh, speaking of! That Cliff guy asked me where I was headed when I was leaving for Friday drinks. Was sort of sad looking—even mentioned having no plans that night.

Caitlin:YIKES!

Garret:Yeah, it’s like, dude, nobody’s drinking with you—you’re HR.

Caitlin:No, we need to invite him next time! Convince him to keep me on.

Garret:No! Sorry, babe. Not worth it.

Caitlin:Haha, can you imagine?

The problem is Icanimagine. Cliff’s a nice enough guy, and Caitlin and Garret will probably spin their fake bullshit on him like they have everyone else.

Garret:I wouldn’t worry too much—just keep up the good work. Your evaluations are always decent. But I just peeped. Gregory is going to send out a multi-unit meeting request for next Wednesday.

Caitlin:Ugh, so that’s when I’ll murder Larry. Every meeting he holds us hostage with his parade of questions. During the last one, I wished for lightning to come through the roof and end it all. Like, my dude, some of us have things to live for, we can’t endure your sad man voice anymore.