Page 122 of I Hope This Finds You Well

I shake my head, bracing for the terrible Band-Aid I’m about to rip. “No. That was all a lie—we were never dating...” Her face drops. “Or engaged.”

She stares almost through me. I expect her to drill into me with a million questions about it, but instead she says, “But are you okay? Would you still like to have a celebration. One for your promotion?”

A chuckle escapes through the hollow part of my chest. I’m so far away from the person she thinks I am. I inhale, and it’s like the words come flying out of me. “I’m really not doing good.”

I fall onto my couch and put my head in my hands. After a beat, I feel the cushion beside me sink.

“I haven’t been good since Ellie—or even before that. I know you’ve been trying to help me move on and lead a good life, but it’s not happening.” I gasp for air, peering at her from between my fingers as her eyes widen. Her lips press into a line.

“You are doing good,” she says. “Men aren’t as important as your career. Just because Armin didn’t work out, your promotion is still a big deal.”

I lose my breath and gasp for air. “I’m not getting promoted. I was fired last week and I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

The sob pushes through as soon as the words are out. My chest tumbles—it’s like something inside me is falling.

My mom’s expression is as solid as stone.

Finally, her face breaks, and so do I.

I’m crumbling into her lap, another silent sob stuck in my throat.

Just before I land, she holds me and hugs me and it feels like everything. “It’s okay, baby.”

“I’m sorry I cut you out. You don’t even know me anymore because Ihidesomuch. Mom...” I reach for her wrist. The same wrist I’d grab for safety my whole life. The same wrist that’s always been there. “There were days—therearedays—when I’m not sure why I’m here.”

Her chest shakes, and she whispers into my hair, “Oh, baby, I love you no matter what.” She tightens her hands around me. “So much of the things I was hoping to protect you from I couldn’t. But I will always be here for you.”

And it’s that, just her assurance, that feels like enough. I crouch into her. This is the first time something has felt like home with her in forever. She squeezes my hand. She’s my mom. I’m her Carl.

We break apart. There’s a moment of silence that shakes reality back into my bones.

And so I continue through silent tears. “I might have to move back in for a bit, until I get back on my feet.”

My mom nods. “Of course! This way I can help you.”

I shake my head. “Mom, it has to be different this time. I need to be able to eat what I want and grow without control. I need to be able to heal, otherwise I’ll be back here again.”

She nods silently, while her gaze catches on a dark smudge under a light switch. “Okay.”

I don’t know if I believe her, but I don’t have a choice. So I continue. “Also, I think I need professional help from someone—a therapist maybe. I need to deal with my issues, my trauma, the drinking, and everything I never tried to address. Could you help me with it? It might cost more than I can handle.”

Every single thing in me clenches. And even though I’m on the couch, it feels like my knees will buckle. Finally, Mom says, “I would have paid for you to have a fancy party to make you happy. I will pay for this.”

I grin. “Thanks, Mom.”

Her gaze shifts downward. “Now, I have something.”

“Is it about the cake? Because I don’t know if the owner of the bakery can even pull it off. I was kind of hoping to see what would happen.”

She mock slaps me. “I know. I felt like he was bullshit too, but his prices are good.” Her gaze softens. “I want to ask one thing.”

“Yeah?”

Her lips form a line. “Even though you don’t have to do what I say, can you invite me to do things with you? It will be hard living with you again if you never want to hang out with me.”

I look directly at her, but she’s burying chin in her chest. “What do you mean?”

“My sisters always have lunch or go shopping with their daughters. I moved here for you, and I wish I could know you better, but every time I come visit, you get mad at me for coming over and touching your special garbage in the cupboard.”