Page 85 of Night Songs

“Vomiting, obviously. A bit of a headache. I’ve been sick in general lately, but I think it’s all the travel I’ve been doing.”And the birthday dread, I didn’t say. I’d been traveling recently for a documentary series that was getting some publicity.

Phoebe was uncharacteristically quiet, and I glanced over to find her looking very concerned. “What?”

“I’m not sure I should say it.”

“Oh my god, what is it? What’s wrong with me?”

“No, it’s not that, I just…”

“Jesus Christ, Feebs, just spit it out.”

She sighed. “I think you might be pregnant.”

My heart stopped, and my skin went cold. Years ago, I might have felt a high, manic hope at these words, but I had since inoculated myself against that feeling. Instead, I went straight to tense, pragmatic anxiety.

Micah and I no longer had the dutiful monthly sex in anticipation of ovulation. We had sex when we wanted to, and I’m sure many of those times had been during that window, but nothing had come of it for years.

Now,this.

Had I even had my period last month? I didn’t think so. And the month before that? It had been so light, I hadn’t had to use a tampon, but I hadn’t paid much attention. With all of the travel, I’d lost track of my body in time.

I did some quick math, still adept at such equations.Twelve weeks. One of the magic numbers of pregnancy when the chance of miscarriage plummets.

I could be twelve weeks if this was real.

Hess helped me up and led me into the bathroom. From deep in the recesses of the cabinet, she pulled a pregnancy test. We all stared at her, and she gave us an incredulous look. “What?”

“What areyoudoing with a pregnancy test?” Phoebe asked for all of us.

She sneered like we were being ridiculous. “My assistant was trying to get pregnant a few years ago and kept some boxes here.” She examined it. “Hasn’t expired yet.”

Hess handed it to me, and I carefully slid the test out of its wrapper and squatted over the toilet while they averted their eyes. A few trickles came down, and I caught them on the tip without getting my fingertips wet. I was a pro.

I replaced the plastic cap, laid the stick face up on the counter, and set the timer on my phone like Micah always did. He insisted we adhere to the instructions every time.

Hess and I sat on the edge of the tub, out of view of the test, and Phoebe and Tima leaned against the wall.

“How are you feeling?” Hess asked.

“I don’t know.” I eyed the timer on my phone. Three minutes and thirty seconds left.

We were quiet for a moment, then Hess said, “Did you know I was there when you were born?”

“Really?”

Hess smiled. “Yes, ma’am. Of course, your father had already passed, and I didn’t want Lou to be alone. The nurse actually tried to kick me out of the delivery room, but I said something quite unladylike, and she let me stay.”

“What did you say?”

Hess only smirked in response. “Lou had to have an emergencyC-section, so she was knocked out when you were born. Your first cry was this powerful, earth-shattering shriek, as if you werelifeitself. I was the first one who held you, and I remember looking down at your face, so angry and determined. When you opened your eyes, I saw you, already in there, ready to take on the world.”

I tried to imagine myself as a tiny being entering this life for the first time, full of fury.

My phone blared, signaling the time was up. We all stared at the test from across the room, unmoving.

“What’s going on?” Micah asked from behind us. He was holding a canvas bag and studying us curiously.

“Phoebe thinks I could be pregnant.” I met his eyes. “I could be twelve weeks.”