Page 82 of Night Songs

At the side facing me, I spotted a large oak tree with a thick, gnarled limb reaching out toward a balcony on the third floor. I remembered Hess’s story of the oak she climbed down to sneak out for shows in high school.

Bingo.

I ran across the open lawn, praying no one would see me. I usually didn’t run unless I was being chased, but I was fast when I did. I reached the side of the house mercifully undetected and flattened myself against it to catch my breath.

I’d decided to wear heels because I wanted to look good for Hess, but now I was forced to kick them off into the grass. I wrapped my arms around the trunk of the tree and used my bare feet to inch my way up until I could grab hold of the lowest branch. I climbed from branch to branch, flexing the old muscles. Soon I was on the final limb arcing out over the terrace, and I quietly jumped down onto the tiled floor.

The doors were curtained, but I could see a light was on inside. I put my ear up to the glass. I’d imagined a room of female relatives that I’d have to contend with. But it was strangely quiet.

I tested the knob and found it unlocked, so I slowly pushed it in and stepped inside. The room was a riot of pink and white lace, a little princess bedroom that I’d have mocked back in the day. In one corner, a whitevanity was strewn with makeup and hot rollers. Dresses and suits were heaped on the bed.

But the room was empty.

My heart dropped—she’d already left for the church. I was too late.

And then, she was walking out of the closet, already in her wedding dress but with the curlers still in her hair.

My entire body stilled, and a glorious feeling rang through me. It was like music, but without the sound.

She froze at the sight of me. I saw relief pass through her, but then there was something else. A shadow like anger. She set her mouth in a straight line, went over to her vanity, and started unraveling the curlers.

“Who let you in here?”

She said it like I was some cat burglar. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt like hell.

“Nobody. I climbed up the tree.” I pointed toward the open doorway of the terrace.

She looked down at my feet, bare once again, like the first time I came to her years ago. A little smile poked through, and she exhaled loudly, “Oh, Lou.” There she was. The Hess I knew. But then her face hardened, and she was gone once again. “What in the world are you doing here?”

“I just need to ask you a question.”

She arched an eyebrow. “You need to ask me a question.”

“Yes. Just one question. And then I’ll go. I swear.”

She paused for a moment. “Okay. Fine. What is it?”

Here it was. The moment of truth. “Do you love him?”

Her face contorted. “Do I love him?That’s your question?” She waited as if I might respond. “How dare you come here and ask me that.On my wedding day.You’re exactly the same, aren’t you? Still only thinking of yourself.” She turned back toward the mirror and yanked violently on a curler.

“Please, just tell me if you love him. If you do, I’ll go away. I promise.”

“What does it matter, Lou? It’s none of your business. You made sure it was none of your business. That wasyourdecision.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. It hurt me, too. You don’t know how hard it was.”

This made her even more mad. “I don’t know?I don’t know how hard it was? Have you lost your mind?” She shot hairspray at the curls, slashing the can through the air and filling it with toxic fumes.

I was getting frustrated. She was taking it all wrong. This was not how it was supposed to go. “Hess, goddammit, do you love him? Do you love the rat bastard? Just answer the goddamn question!”

“NO!! OKAY? I DON’T LOVE HIM,” she screeched. I’d never heard her raise her voice like that.

Her shoulders drooped, and she looked back at the mirror, gently combing out an unruly curl. “Of course I don’t love him. But this is my life now,” she said quietly, tears collecting at the corners of her eyes. “I think you should go.”

I went over to her and got on my knees, but I didn’t touch her. I sensed that would be a mistake. “This doesn’t have to be your life.” She turned her head and looked into my eyes as I continued. “I made a mistake. I never should have asked you to go. I love you, Hess. You are my great love, and I want to be together. For the rest of our lives.”

She turned away, her voice now thick with tears. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear you say that. I used to think you’d show up one day and realize your mistake. But you never came, and I moved on from that fantasy. I can’t risk feeling like that again. It was too painful.”