Page 80 of Night Songs

“I know, right? I’mgorgeous. Look at this shit!” I twirled around in front of her.

“No, Lou.” She put a hand on my shoulder and lowered me to thecouch. “I don’t know how to say this.” She looked like she had before Tate’s funeral, when she tried to get me out of bed.

“What? Did something happen? Is everyone okay?” If someone else had died, I’d take my beautiful ass to some cliff and jump right off.

“No, everyone is fine. It’s nothing like that.” She took a deep breath. “But darlin’, I think you’re pregnant.”

Everything stopped for a moment.

I’d been careful. So fucking careful. I was on the new pill they offered, and it’d felt like armor against such threats. I’d imagined my body made of steel.Impregnable.

Then, I felt a flicker of something. Not like I was special, exactly, but like I’d been touched by a bit of magic. There was a kernel inside me that contained infinite lives. The last fragment of my relationship with Tate, this little memento of our journey together. I imagined his soft golden hair glinting on the head of a small child.

At the image of this tiny, innocent figure, a thick dread began to seep coldly down my throat and over my ribs. It covered every other thought and feeling in its muck.

What if it was a girl?

I had told myself years ago that I would never inflict my curse on another human being, especially my own child. How could I deliberately put her through such pain, of first my loss, and then her own doomed existence?

It was one of the reasons I’d ended things with Hess.

God,Hess.

The person I never let myself think of, and the one I thought of every day anyway.

I imagined her sitting there with me, perched on the arm of the couch as Phoebe delivered the news. She would have been so happy. It was what she’d dreamed of: a little family of our own.

Every time I’d contemplated going back to her over the years, I’d told myself it was the wrong thing to do. But the truth was, I was ashamed.

I had taken her tender loving care for granted, fashioned it into a trap. And look at where I’d ended up without it. I would never regret my time with Tate because of what it led me to, but it was undeniable that the years had been hard on me. There I was: no music in my head, a baby in my belly, my body and mind barely hanging on.

And so what if Hess didn’t believe in the curse? Who would want to believe their love was going to die so soon? She didn’t let things like mortality get in the way of her enjoying life and caring for other people the way I did.

I had wanted to protect her, of course. But who was I to make that decision for her? Who knew when she or anyone else would die? Look at Tate.

I was such a goddamn fool.

She was my Great Love, and she wasalive, but at any moment, she could be taken from this world just like him. How had I spent four years without her? How could I live one more moment on this earth without being in her presence?

I had six years left.

And I wanted to spend them loving someone and being loved by them. I wanted to give Hess what she’d always wanted, the love and family she deserved.

And just maybe, if I was lucky, I could give it to her now.

Phoebe took me to the doctor, and they confirmed her suspicions. I was knocked up.

She knew how I felt about children, so she didn’t treat it like this great miracle as the nurses had at the doctor’s office. She solemnly watched the road as she drove me home, and I stared out the window, trying to organize my thoughts.

An image came to me of my aunt laid out on a bed when I was about six years old. The granny witch dangled a gold band from a string over herpregnant belly, and the entire family watched, our breaths held. The ring finally moved, making a circle over the bump, and my uncle grunted in the corner.

Another goddamn girl.

Back at home, I went to my bedroom and Phoebe followed, saying, “Lou, we need to make a plan—” But I held a hand up, cutting her off. I lay down on the bed, then I unclasped the simple silver chain around my neck and took off the wedding ring Phoebe had loaned me for the doctor’s office. I strung the gold band on the chain and reclasped it, letting it hang down like a hypnotizing instrument.

I took a deep breath and held it above my belly.

“What are you doing?” Phoebe asked, bewildered.