Page 54 of Night Songs

“What are you not telling me? I have a right to know.”

“She’s right—” started Martha, but Hess cut her off with a glare.

“I came here to learn more about my mom. The truth. Because I’m herdaughter. But all you do is hide things and try to control me.”

Hess frowned, attempting to keep her composure. “I am not trying to control you, honey. There are some things that you just wouldn’t understand.”

I was so tired of this, and in that moment, I knew it was time for me to leave. I might not have known my mother, but I was certain she wouldn’t have squatted in the shell of someone else’s life like I had the past few months. She would have gone out and found her own.

“I’m leaving, and I’m going with Micah,” I declared, daring them to stop me.

“You barely know him,” Hess answered.

“I barely knowyou, Hess.”

She flinched. “What about college?”

“Whataboutcollege?” I asked. So much had changed over the last few months that college and California felt like distant notions now. “My dad dropped out because he wanted to see the world and make art. College isn’t the answer to everything.”

Hess narrowed her eyes. “I wouldn’t follow anything your father did—”

“That’s not fair,” Martha cut in, and I said, “You didn’t even know him.”

Hess took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Never mind, that’s not the point. What I’m trying to say is your mother wanted you to be educated. Part of why she left you all that money was to make sure you’d have the opportunities she never had.”

Fury ignited in the back of my throat. “We don’t know what she would have wanted because she’s not here. She left me that money so I could exercise myfreedom, and that’s what I’m doing.”

“I’m just trying to protect you,” Hess added, more softly this time. “And to help guide you toward the right decisions.”

“You’re not my mother,” I said with an edge in my voice. “That’s not your job.”

Hess grimaced, and I saw her eyes mist over. I instantly regretted my words. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I just…”

Hess took a deep breath, and I watched her eyes dry and her face harden into that of a stranger. She turned the corners of her mouth up in a humorless smile. “No, I apologize. I didn’t mean to cross a line. You are an adult, and you can make your own decisions.”

My arms prickled, and I shivered in the AC.

I considered taking it all back, giving up on the hike with Micah, and continuing on as we had. But where would that take me? I couldn’t pretend to be this cheap reproduction of my mother any longer.

I needed to find my own way.

The sun was just coming up when I arrived at Micah’s hostel in an old, stately house near downtown. The heavy-lidded desk clerk told me it was too early for visitors, but then I heard someone coming down the stairs, and there he was, his eyes bloodshot and his beautiful hair askew.

“I thought I heard your voice,” he said, standing a few feet away. “I haven’t slept all night.”

“Me neither.”

I walked into his arms, and we held each other for a long moment, allowing our cells to regenerate.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” he said into my shoulder. “And I shouldn’t have tried to force you—”

“I want to go with you,” I said, pulling back to look at him. “I just—I wanted it to be my decision.”

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. “I think you’re right, that this could be good for me,” I said, smiling. “I want to stop living in the past and move on—with you.”

He smiled back, his eyes sparkling with mirth once again.