Page 6 of Night Songs

I had the keen sense of missing something important, but there was that child’s barrier still in the way, cutting me off from the dim, smoky layer of the world inhabited by adults.

“What was she like?” I asked suddenly, realizing this was, above all, what I yearned to know.

He smiled. “I wish I had known her better, but what I did see was… unexpected. She was never just one thing. I…” He exhaled. “I’m not very good at articulating this—I’m more of a numbers guy. It’s why I like representing artists like your mother. What they do is magical to me.”

I tried to conjure an image of her from these words, but all I could see were flashes of the Belle Powers I’d seen pictures of in magazines and throwback music videos. The enormous blonde wig, the heavy makeup and hot-pink lipstick, the flashy, sequined outfits. It was all shimmer and costume with no human beneath it.

“If you’d like to know more about her, coming to Nashville is a great start. I think the only way to truly know someone is to see where they spent their life.”

I had never considered going to Nashville—it was only a rhinestone-studded word that I put on forms when asked for my place of birth. My limited sense of the South came from movies likeSteel MagnoliasorFried Green Tomatoes, and from its bloody history. None of these were specific to Nashville.

But perhaps it was where I’d findherand the mysterious place I’d sprung from.

“Okay, I’d like to go. When do we leave?”

He chuckled. “Eager, are we? Well, my flight is a few hours from now, but I can delay a night or two for you to get your affairs in order.”

“No, I’m good. I just need a couple minutes to pack.”

He raised his eyebrows. “All right, then. I’ll wait in the car outside while you ready yourself.” He got up, and I followed him to the door. He put a hand on the knob, then turned back.

“In case you weren’t aware, we send a sizable amount of money to your aunt and uncle every month to cover your living expenses.” He looked pointedly at the oil painting of Dinah and her horse. “They’ve made attempts to gain access to your inheritance in the last few months, but I’ve put them off. As of today, the payments to them will end. Now that you control the estate, you can decide how it’s distributed.” He nodded politely, and then he was gone.

Carl and Lorraine were down the stairs before the door shut. “What did he say?” Lorraine hissed.

I was speechless for a moment, like those scenes in movies when a bomb goes off nearby and a person stumbles around with blood leaking from their ears.

I had never entirely believed my aunt and uncle about my parents. They were pathological liars, and even when they told the truth, I often questioned their version of reality.

But this level of deception was… unforgivable.

My bewilderment receded, replaced by the creature-like rage I’d felt when I saw the boys standing over Shelli’s body. “Everything you told meabout my mother was a lie.” I clenched my fists and let it fill me up. “You had no right to keep this from me.”

Lorraine looked stricken, then narrowed her eyes. “I am your guardian—I haveeveryright.”

“Not anymore.” I charged up the stairs and into my room, barely feeling the carpet under my feet. I slammed the door behind me and wedged the chair under the knob. The door shook as Lorraine and Carl pounded on its wood.

I yanked open my backpack and frantically stuffed clothes in from the dresser. Then I tossed in my makeup case, my Discman, and my soccer cleats.

For a moment, I panicked at having to fit my entire life into this small bag, but then I looked at all my cheap, worn-out crap, and I thought,Fuck it. I hadmoneynow. I could buy whatever I needed.

I had one foot out the window when Lorraine and Carl barged in, pulling me back into the room. Lorraine stuck her finger in my face, her cheeks red. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Nashville. And I’m taking my mother’s money with me.”

Carl blanched. “Now hold on a minute—”

“Mr. Blau told me he’s been sending you money every month.”

“Well, of course. For your upkeep. It’s not exactly cheap raising a teenager,” Lorraine said, feigning innocence.

I stared at her in disbelief. She couldn’t really believe I was that stupid. “Then you won’t mind if I leave,” I said as I tried to get around them, but Carl blocked the door.

“Don’t you think we deserve a littlecompensationfor raising you all these years?” Lorraine asked. “We could have left you on the street, but we took you in and treated you like our own.”

For my entire childhood, she’d made me feel like I was the only thing keeping them from a perfect life. It’s why I’d stayed out of sight, kept quiet, worked since I was fourteen—all to alleviate the weight of my existence. “Are you kidding? All you’ve ever done was lie to me.”

“I wasprotectingyou from the truth. From thattrashwho killed my poor brother.”