Page 48 of Night Songs

I heard her slump to the floor, and then I listened to her weep for a while. I wanted to leap out of bed and wrap my arms around her and tell her I didn’t mean it.

We had grown up together, from girlhood to whatever we were now, so that I wasn’t quite sure where I ended and she began. Separating from her was crude and bloody. I imagined I was losing parts of myself in the severing. My body crooned with pain.

I knew I’d never love anyone like I loved her.

But there was a bitter relief in it, too. A part of me knew it was the right thing to do. She and I could both be free now.

After a while, I heard the door shut, and I could feel that she was gone.

I was truly alone now.

I could feel myself fading, losing color.

Then I disappeared, floating back into unconsciousness, grateful for its void.

I slept for eons. Civilizations collapsed and were reborn. The planet froze and thawed. The tree on my chest fell to the side and slowly returned to the land grain by grain, before reawakening once again.

On top of my hangover, I’d caught some nasty cold on that roof, and I stayed in bed for a week. Looking back, it might have just been heartbreak making me sick.

I kept waiting for Clayton to visit, to face his judgment, but he stayed away, looming on the horizon like a storm about to break. Then one morning when I woke, I saw him sitting in the corner watching me. His hair was freshly oiled, and he had on a clean, pressed suit.

I hadn’t showered in centuries, and though I couldn’t smell my own stink, I’m sure it was like a dead possum left under a house. My hair, which I kept short to fit under my wigs, was matted against my head like a dog’s, and I knew my makeup was smeared down my face like an old whore.

It felt good to be so undone in his presence. Stripped down to my studs, I could really confront him.

I must have been smiling to myself because he said, “I’m curious toknow what you find so amusing. From where I’m sitting, you don’t have much to smile about.”

“I was just thinking about how good it’s gonna feel when this conversation is over.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Employees from the hotel found you and Alice up there half naked and unconscious. They almost called the police.” He took a deep breath. “Thankfully, I’m close with the manager, and he called me first. The staff were paid for their silence.”

When I didn’t respond, he looked me dead in the eye. “Hess moved out.”

At the mention of her name, my chest jerked. I couldn’t go there right now, not in front of him.

“I see she was unsparing. Good.”

“My relationship with Hess is none of your business.”

“You are my wife. Everything you do is my business.”

I was ready to go for the throat. “I think I’d like to change that. The wife part. Clayton, I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

A rare surprise crossed his face. He took a moment, carefully choosing his words. “Lou, I know I’m being severe, but it’s only because I want you to understand the danger you put yourself in. If this got out, it wouldn’t just end your career. It would ruin you. It could put you in jail.” His face softened. “I don’t want that to happen to you.”

My anger receded. “This is about more than that night. I want to make my own music. Run my own life. I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not your doll to dress up. I want to be my own person.”

He took a deep breath. “I hear you, all right? You can have more input on the albums from now on. You can pick which songs you record for your solo tracks. I won’t get in the way.”

“When you say my songs don’t fit on our albums, you’re right. Because we don’t fit together anymore. I want to explore new things. To experiment with a new sound. And that ain’t you.”

I could see him starting to panic. He was in negotiations forThe Clayton Redd Showon TV, featuring me as the main entertainer. If anything proved how fucked things were, it was that. His name on the show, my ass playing my heart out. I knew it’d probably fall through if I didn’t go along with it. But that was his problem, not mine.

He walked over and kneeled at the side of the bed. He took my hand and held it in his. “What’s going to happen to you if I’m not around? People don’t mess with Clayton Redd’s wife. You know it’s true.”

I patted the top of his hand like he was a small child and I was his aging grandma, laid up sick in the bed. “You forget where I come from ’cause I’m so fancy now.” Clayton smiled at this, taking in my sorry state. “I’m the meanest son of a bitch in this pretty city. They should be scared ofme.”

I wish I could say this story ends with a heartfelt goodbye. But this is a business, and there was money on the line.