Page 22 of Night Songs

Phoebe sighed. “It’s an interesting song, Hess, but it ain’t the easiest to listen to.” She and Tima chuckled, but Hess still studied me with concern. “It wasn’t my idea.”

“Please,” I begged. “Don’t stop playing.”

After more back-and-forth, Hess finally conceded and picked up her guitar once again. They moved on to old country songs I’d never heard of, and I was grateful they didn’t cajole me into singing. The sounds of their voices were like rare bird calls, beautiful and tinged with nature. How could I ever sing with people who could make music like that?

Instead, I lay down on the soft linen of the couch and closed my eyes, allowing the music to enter me without distraction.

I imagined I was a young child wrapped in gossamer and playing beneath a sun-dappled tree with a gleaming white dog. I watched Belle come toward me with her unadorned face—the one she showed only to those she trusted and loved.

She picked me up and held me to her warm chest, and the ache finally ceased.

5lulabelle

1967

FIFTEEN YEARS LEFT

Those who pay attention know the perfect days are unplanned.

It was the first warm day of spring. Hess and I drove along a dirt road in the sunshine with my bare feet hanging out the window, tree branches tickling the bottoms as they moved to the beat of Dolly Parton’s “Dumb Blonde” on the radio. I wanted to climb on the roof, put my arms out, and fly through the early afternoon.

I’d been at Mom’s for a few months then, and for the first time in my sorry existence, life had slipped into a blissful rhythm.

Hess stopped the car at the edge of a small lake, and the radio went quiet. I’d gotten so used to being surrounded by people that I could hear the silence.

We were completely alone.

Hess pulled her dress off, revealing a red bikini, and ran through the grass toward the water. I undressed as I ran after her, and we both jumped in at the same time. The water was warm as a bathtub with cool spots that I liked to float over, imagining they were tunnels to some other place.

We’d come to hear the sound of our voices in water.

We swam to the center of the lake, where the water was so low from drought that Hess could still stand, but my tiny legs couldn’t touch thebottom. I sang out a few bars of nonsense, and the dewy sound echoed between us, damp with its green. Hess matched the tone, and we cooed to one another like mermaids.

I noticed drops of water were pearled in Hess’s eyelashes and at the corners of her lips. I tried not to stare at her too much because I didn’t want to give her the creeps. But sometimes I couldn’t help myself.

She stared back at me, unguarded. “You must be getting tired,” she said.

I’d nearly forgotten my body, but now I could feel the burn in my limbs, and the beginning of that frantic need to find solid ground. “Yeah, a little.”

“Why don’t you hold on to me?”

I swam to her, and she reached out and brought my legs around her waist like a child, though I didn’t feel like one. I kept my torso a few inches away to keep some distance between us, but she gently pulled my back toward her. I instinctively put my arms around her neck. Our faces were very close now, and I could smell the stone and petals of her natural scent, even in the lake water. I shivered against her warm body, and she held me tighter.

“Hey, Lou.”

“Hey,” I said, a bit unsteadily.

“I don’t mean to pry…”

Even pressed together, she was still so damn polite. “Yes?”

“What is that on your chest?”

I looked down and saw the mud-colored branches fanning out from the top of my bathing suit, and my insides twitched. I’d forgotten about it entirely. Though I knew she’d seen it when I was sick, I’d been careful since moving into Mom’s to keep myself covered.

I looked up at Hess’s concerned face, and I wondered if I could really trust her. I knew I had to let myself be known, even in small ways. Otherwise, I’d truly disappear. I knew this, and yet, it was still hard for me to do it most of the time. Everyone I’d ever trusted had turned out to be a rat bastard.

But Hess was different.